Woah now.

And then, sometimes, my jealous side tries to make itself known. 
Don't you worry Little Jealous Side, I know you exist. 
You got my attention. 
I'm just attempting to ignore you so you'll stop! 


Even though you brought my jealous side to the surface, it was good to see you. 
I've missed you. 


Just don't let me do anything stupid, k?

No Way Out

Everywhere I turn I hurt someone.

But there's nothing I can say to change the things I've done.

Of all the things I hid from you...I cannot hide the shame.

(And I pray someone, something will come to take away the pain.)

There's no way out of this dark place. 

No hope.

No future.

I know I can't be free.

But I can't see another way;

I can't face another day.

Tell me where did I go wrong?

Everyone I love...they're all gone. 

I'd do everything so differently, but I can't turn back the time.

There's not shelter from the storm inside of me.

I can't believe the words I hear.

*It's like an answer to a prayer.*

(When I look around I see this place, this time, this friend of mine.)

You know its hard, but you found somehow to look into your heart and forgive me now.

You've given me the strength to see just where my journey ends.

You've given me the strength to carry on.

I see the path from this dark place,

I see my future.

Your forgiveness has set me free.

And I can't see another way I can face another day.

So many...feelings.

Considering I refuse to even write them down for myself...and barely willing to utter them to the One who already knows...good luck getting them out on a blog post. 
But, I'm all for sharing music. (Contrary to what you might assume, they are all unrelated. And if they did happen to be related--it's probably not in the way you might think.)

The slightest words you said have all gone to my head, I heart angels sing in your voice. 

Do you even know how you make me weak?

I'm a lightweight...better be careful what you say. You're in control of my heart.

I'm a lightweight, easy to fall, easy to break. 

Keep me from falling apart.

Make a promise, please, you'll always be in reach.

(This is all so new, seems too good to be true. )

Could this really be a safe place to fall?

Keep from falling down; Drowned in your love. It's almost all too much...handle with care. Say you'll be there. 

It's probably the best for you. I only want what's best for you...and if I'm not the best, then you're stuck.

I tried to sever ties and I ended up with wounds to bind--like you're pouring salt in my cuts.

Even though I know what's wrong, how could I be so sure if you never say what you feel.

I guess you needed more time to heal...

Please don't get my hopes up, tell me how could you be so cruel? It's like you're pouring salt on my cuts.

I just ran out of band-aids. I don't even know where to start, 'cause you can't bandage the damage...you never really can fix a heart. 

"Ignorance is bliss"...but sometimes you can't deny...

It's a crime against the heart you know, to be somewhere in between.

I might just have to confess where I stand.

Lately you make me weaker in the knees.

They say you got a hold on me, and I won't disagree. 

Lessons learned, bridges burned to the ground and it's too late now to put out the fire. 

Tables turned and I'm the one who's burning now.

Well I'm doin' alright 'till I close my eyes--then I see your face.

Time can heal, but the scars only hide the way you feel.

Everything I said, I regret it.

I was doin' alright, thought I could make it, then I see your face and it's hard to fake it.

If you could find a way to forgive everything I know you would. 

Down on my knees...I thought I was stronger. 

There's nothing I could say to you...nothing I could ever do to make you see what you mean to me.

All the pain, the tears I cried, still you never said goodbye. Now I know how far you'd go.

I know I let you down...

I will be all that you want, and get myself together.

You keep me from falling apart.

Now I can breathe, 'cause you're here with me.

I'm not gonna ever ever let you leave.

You're all I got, you're all I want.

Without you, I don't know what I'd do.

I could never ever live a day without you.

I fell down.

I'm freakin' out. Where am I now? Upside down, and I can't stop it now. 

I...I'll get by. I...I'll survive. When the world's crashin' down, when I fall and hit the ground, I will turn myself around--don't you try to stop me.

I'll play the game, but I can't stay.

I've got my head on straight, and I'm not gonna change.

I'll win the race, keep up with the pace.

Today is the day that I start to pray--you can't get in my way. No. 

I'll get by. 

I'll survive. 

I won't cry. 

I found myself in wonderland...get back on my feet again. 

Is this real? Is this pretend? 

I'll take a stand until the end. 

I'll get by.  

I'll survive.

I won't cry. 

Have that. 

Have That.

"May forget the church is for the perfecting of the saint--not a well provisioned rest home for the already perfected."


"Men, take care not to make women weep, for God counts their tears."


Advice:
1. Know who you are.
2. Expect the Respect.
3. Accept the Respect.


The worst possible thing could potentially be the best blessing of all.


If you truly believe you're exceptional, you'll act exceptional.


"Treat a man as he is and you make him worse; treat a man as he should be and you make him as he could be."


Your heart changes when you forgive yourself. When you're forgiven but begin to beat yourself up--stop, and then thank Satan for reminding you you're not that person anymore. 


"When you save a girl, you save a generation."


The distance between you and your Heavenly Father is the distance between your knees an the floor."


"Just because the Lord is smiling upon someone else does not mean he is frowning upon you."


"No amount of time in front of the mirror will make you as attractive as having the spirit with you."


We need friends that make it easier to live the gospel. 

Sometimes...you get something you've said you wanted for months.
And sometimes...it hurts just a little bit. 
And you know what? 
Sometimes you don't want to admit it. 
So you don't. 
You pretend you're really happy about it. 
(And then you're sister points out that she knows it hurts. Just a little.)


But you move on.
Because it's selfish to be hurt over it. 

101% Sure

Remember when...

You didn't go to my school?
When we tried to catch up our entire lives every Sunday?
It took hours on end?

My mother would get mad that I was never home until at least 6 pm on Sundays and 9 pm on Wednesdays?

Our lives went different ways?

God pulled us back to each other...over and over and over again?

Satan did everything in his power to convince us it wasn't worth it?

Remember when...

Satan still tried to push us apart?

God fixed all our problems?

You transferred to my school?
I saw you everyday?

You made sure I wasn't alone?
You reminded me who I was?
You weren't afraid to me when I was wrong?

Because now, I can't remember when...

you didn't know more about my life than I do.

I didn't turn to you for everything.

tell you news within 24 hours of the event.

you weren't my #1 support system.

I know the time existed...

but, now, I can't fathom the thought of what it was like--

it's hard to believe the time ever did exist.....

All of it adds up,

and makes me 101% sure

you didn't transfer for you. 

You transferred, and you're here now because I needed you. 

I don't know what I'd do without you

or where I'd be.

Because now I can't remember what it was like before you were my best friend. 

?

Have you ever had one of those days where you're ridiculously happy...and you don't know why?
I have. 
Except..I do know why. 
Well, kind of.
Part of me think I should hate the world 'cause I have so much I could complain about. 
But doesn't everyone?
And honestly, do I really even have anything to complain about?
No. I don't. 
Life is life is life.
Take it a it comes and be grateful you get it at all. 
Everything is going to work out. 
There's something inside me that knows it. 
Something I can't deny. 
So as much as I'm worried about it...I'm really not. 
And I'm happy. 
Just because I can be. 
I wish...I wish other people would be, too. 

4:28 am

That's not the time this will be posted.
But, it's the time this post was started. 


Why am I up? 
Because I can be. 

Actually it's because I fell asleep around 9 pm 

then proceeded to wake up about 1:28 am. 

Why not fall back asleep? 

Many reasons.

The main one being: I didn't want to. 

I've come to a couple of conclusions on this early morning.

1. The peace of the early morning, before sunrise, when blanketed by the vision of light snow on the ground is exquisite.

2. If my house were on fire and I had 60 seconds to grab only one thing, it would be my scriptures.

3. Early morning is in fact one of the best times to be awake. 

4. Sometimes it's nice to be awake when no one else is.

Sometimes it's nice to have silence. 

Sometimes it's good to be alone. 

5. I should probably go back to bed or I could potentially regret it in the...later morning. 

I have a ton of love in my heart for life right now and all the people in it. Just FYI. AKA I love you all. 

PS ...nope, there's really nothing left to say. I just wanted to use another acronym. 

:)

In an effort to prove I'm not always depressed....




8 DAYS.
Happiness does exist in my life;)


8.....








We go to HAWAII IN 8 DAYS!!!


Pearl Harbor is going to be such an amazing experience and I'm. So. Stoked. 


.....I'm not really sure how it got here so fast..but it did:)

Bittersweet.

Lonely, stubborn, and complacent,
You have insisted on leaving me here writing the same song I started last year. 


Lovely conjunctions and phrases; plays on a few words that you never meant. I must have misread all of the signals you never sent. 

It's a bittersweet life,

and it's leaving me a-okay. 

Bittersweet life. 

I have loved and lost my heart along the way. 

Maybe I could still hold you, 

Or you could call, if you feel so inclined. 

Please take your time locating whatever you're trying to find. 

And, maybe it's time to let go...

But I am too scared and I'm so unprepared. 

How do I forget every moment in time that we shared? 

I'm calling your bluff.

I've toyed with the idea of burning your stuff.

This is so rough.

And it's as if deserting me wasn't enough.

Well, I've had enough. 

I'm calling your bluff.

It's a bittersweet life. 

Flashback.

"All that I know
                   is I don't know
                             how to be something you miss..."


I never knew just how much reign you still had over my emotions. 
I don't want to admit just how much I suppressed everything that happened. 
That is, until the moment you decided to care...for just a second. 


Now I have to admit just how much I...miss you. 

Dear ______.

Dear said person in my mind that I will refrain from naming,
I know you hate me. 
Everyone knows you hate me.
I respect that. I don't necessarily understand it, I don't know that I agree with you or even think I deserve it. But, you do, and I'm sure there's more to your side that I never got the chance to understand. 


That is all fine. I've come to live with it and accept it. 


Everything that happened, happened over a year ago. I moved on. Obviously you didn't. I tried to be friendly again--that just aggravated you. So I wondered if maybe I should just ignore you, but if I did that, you would use that as cause to hate on me more because I'd become the jerk who started it all over again. The only happy medium I could find was being friendly in action without interaction. I've tried so hard to do is respect you--which hasn't exactly been easy. 


With all that said, 
Here's what is NOT okay with me:
You
telling my friends 
to hate me. 


Excuse me? 
You haven't even talked me in a year and a half. 
You don't have any idea who I am now--and I am not the same girl I was back then. 
Besides, even if I was, what does getting other people to hate me do for you? 


"Forgive them, for they know not what they do." 
I guess you just don't understand yet. Maybe one day you'll learn. 
Thank you for allowing me to see who my real friends are. Anyone that really knows me and truly cares about me and is worth keeping in my life... they won't listen to you in that regard. 


I hope you find happiness. I hope things work out for you. I hope you can learn to move on, and let it go; lessen that burden. I hope you find what you're looking for. 

That happened.

That awful moment when you find out you let someone down. 


That moment sucks. 


I've always known I'm not as good as people make me out to be. I wish I was though. It's hard to find out you disappointed someone. 

I won't tell you lies,
I will stand accused with my hand on my heart.
I'm just trying to say I'm sorry--it's all that I can say. You mean so much, and I'd fix all that I've done if I could start again. I'd throw it all away to the shadows of regrets and you would have the best of me. 


I know that I can't take back all of the mistakes, but I will try. Although it's not easy, I know you believe me, because I would not lie.

Moment.

Have you ever had one of those moments where you are just sick of everything and you suddenly feel like something in your chest is going to burst and nothing sounds better than time just stopping and you being a million miles away from everything and everyone you know and you just wouldn't care for once to be alone in a strange place full of people you've never met? I have. That one time when...well, right about now. 

Jericho Road

I love them. 

So much. 

Yesterday there as a lyric from one of their songs that I just couldn't get out of my head. Mostly because I needed it so badly.  Here's the song in its entirety. 

Some days it feels like I am walking through a storm,

                                                                      A strong wind blowing at my heart. 

I long for shelter only you can give me, Lord.
                                       You are all I need, 'cause you're the Prince of Peace. 

You melt the madness, 

you calm the fear inside of me when the world is spinning out of control.

You stop the struggle, Lord its your love that brings sweet rest to my soul, and my heart knows, you melt the madness. 

It seems this crazy world is never gonna change,

so, Lord, I want you to change me. 

And in the chaos, I'll be calling out your name...

won't you set me free with your serenity?

You melt the madness. 
you calm the fear inside of me when the world is spinning out of control.
You stop the struggle; Lord it's your love that brings sweet rest to my soul, and my heart knows come what may--no matter what I face,
I'll be still,
and know that you are God. 

You melt the madness. 

It's My Party.

Secretly I'm supposed to be doing homework. Obviously I am. 

Sometimes I wish writing was as fast as blogging. Because I can't actually blog about what I want to blog about. I want to write it down and get it out there--but not really for other people to see.

There are so many things going on. So much. And some of it is good

                                                                                some of it not so good at all.

                                                                                     some of it is a mixture.

I took a chance. 

Against every instinct. 

Convinced myself the past 

did not dictate my future. 

But the best way foresee

is hindsight. 

You were there, 

Exactly what I needed...

Couldn't have been more perfect. 

Which is why I didn't last. 

Good enough didn't last. 

I should have seen it coming. 

Who knew I could be hated this much?

I'll pretend,

put on a mask,

say it doesn't matter.

I may know it's for the best...

I know in reality it's alright...

But at moments, it still stings. 

A whirlpool of memories

twist around my mind

as I think about now. 

Different people. 

Different faces.

Different circumstances.

Same result.

     Different pain.

          That almost hurts worse. 

I wish I could tell you. 

I wish you could know. 

But...I can't. 

That is not a poem. It looks like one. It just sort of came out. Which is probably why you shouldn't read it. Especially because it does not make any sense. But you did. Unless you're just randomly reading the end of this post with no purpose.

Bob Marley

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - You aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together, but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there. - Bob Marley

Get It Right

Beans

Someone like that...just by living, taught so many people about the gospel. I hope I get to meet him someday.  

BEST THING EVER.

See that picture from my last post? 
Yeah. There's gonna be a second one of those. Here in Provo, Utah. 


Can life get better?
I submit that it CANNOT! (thank you, Brian Regan...) 


Sometimes the Provo Tabernacle burns down...and instead of rebuilding it, they decide to make a temple out of it. (Talk about literal baptismal fire. Thanks for pointing that out Bao. :) ) 


I remember being devastated when I found out about the tabernacle. I had no idea this is what was in store. All of it just made me realize how sometimes bad things have to happen in order for something so much better to come about.


Also, President Monson is the best thing ever. 
THIS CHURCH IS SO COOL! I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!!! 
Sorry...word vomit. Okay. I'm done now:)

Welcome to my Life...

Sometimes I have so much I want to blog about...that I blog about--none of it. Yupp. True facts.
Here goes a shot at what's been most recently on my mind... (HA! That's a lie. There's been too much on my mind for that to happen. But, hey, it's worth a shot.)


FACT: Tomorrow is October 1, 2011
FACT: Tomorrow is General Conference
FACT: I need it.
FACT: The Bishop tends to challenge us to attend the temple before General Conference
FACT: I did.
FACT: That happened today.

The San Diego Temple

It doesn't matter which temple it is though...

Because they're all the  House of the Lord. 

That.
That right there.
That is what I love so much.
It has been way way way too long since I've been there.


General Conference was just an excuse.
I needed to go there anyway. So I did. Last night, before I knew if we (my friend and I) were actually going today, I was ready to just drop everything and go. My homework didn't matter, sleep didn't matter, nothing did. The necessity of that renewed experience in my life overruled everything else.

I wasn't wrong.

The temple held something special for me today. I feel like I haven't truly tried to connect with the Spirit in a while. It took me a while to break the barrier there. I could feel all of it surrounding me, yet there was something inside of me closing off and refusing to accept what it needed so badly.

Throughout all of it, different thoughts came and went. A few times I began to nod off...I felt bad at first, but I soon stopped. Know why? It makes sense. The temple is so full of peace, sleep is a natural thing to come along with it. What better place, what safer place, can you think of? Just my opinion though. Scriptures are a bueno thing to have with you. I have found the scriptures there are nice enough, but when you have your own, you can mark them. Which I needed to do today. Holy moly did I need to. I've never had so many scriptures just jump out and dance around me head. So much blue ink covered the pages I read! Oh the beauty... :) 

From the moment I stepped into the temple-- p.s. going to the waiting room first is a MUY BIEN plan. They usually have a video playing and it honestly helps settle in the Spirit before you go do baptisms...or whatever you're going to do. I like it. A lot.--to the moment I left...actually, about an hour and half after I left...it was more than I ever realized I needed. 
Sometimes Risa gets answers in the temple. Answers to questions she's had for years. Questions Risa assumed would never be answered. Answers to questions Risa tears herself up over. Questions Risa tries to pretend don't bother her. Questions Risa needs answers to. And Risa got them. Risa wasn't even asking for them...she was just minding her own business, reading the scriptures. BAM. "Hi, I'm just going to make you read these passages and be hit by several points that you can't deny. Then I'm going to make you think about them and then re-read them so you understand more. Then think some more, realize something else, re-read it again to double check you understood correctly, and continue on your merry thinking way. K, thanks--bye." 
Well okay then. Let's just ponder that for a second there shall we? Man, once I started to accept the fact that I really had gotten that answer, it was like the barrier between me and the Spirit just dissolved. 


Thing is..that was just a glimpse of what the temple was like for me today. It was so much. I feel like I learned so much and finally felt a peace and serenity life has been withholding from me as of late. I'm so going more often. Just sayin'. But, if you wanna come...just let me know :)

I think...that's all I'm going to say for now. BUT! (if you buy three completos....) I really hope you all of a weekend far beyond fantastic. It's conference weekend. Let's be real. We all need it. Enjoy it to the max. Take full advantage of the opportunity to listen to these insanely intellectual deciples of Christ. Don't throw the opportunity away.  I know I used to...so don't be like that--it's not worth it! 

LOVE YOU!!! :) 

Cliche Moments. Deal with it.

For the first time I was actually grateful for my dog.
It's a phenomenon. 
Who knew this day would ever come? (Okay, that's a lie, there was a different time I was more than grateful he was my dog--but that's a different story.)
But he did a great thing for me last night. Fun Fact: one of my favorite things in the whole world is nighttime walks. 

Problem: I'm a girl. Therefore, it's "dangerous" to walk alone at night.

Stupid jerks that kidnap people and make my parents paranoid. (Okay, it's really just because they love and care about me and there are legitimate fears for my safety. It's annoying though...who'd want to kidnap me anyway?)

However, last night my lovely dog and I got permission to go on a walk alone together. Just the two of us. For cute!;) It was so nice! He proved to be quite the listener. I thought he'd chat it up with a bunch of barking--he didn't. Maybe we can be friends after all...maybe. 

Walks have a tendency to help me think through things. 

Lately, I have just been really confused. As I walked, I'm not even sure completely what I thought about. Here are a couple things though:

I am so blessed to live where I live. There are so many people across the world who plan and save up their entire lives to make it to the temple once. I literally live within a few minutes walking distance from one. How is that fair? And why don't I take advantage of that fact? I should be going way more often than I do. 

I don't know people as well as I think I do.

I demean the things I go through. The thing is that I know people who go through ten times worse than I do. So I sit an tell myself how stupid I am for being upset over little things and then everything gets ten times worse. You know what? Yes, I definitely do have it better than so many people. But that doesn't mean the things I go through aren't hard for me. For once, it was good to admit that. In a weird obscure way, I needed to know that. 

My past is tied together in ways I didn't realize. 

I'm not the same person  I used to be. At all.

Nerd moment: I was looking at the temple, and then around at the rest of the world as it sparkled with lights scattered across the city. It just kind of hit me at how symbolic it all was. There are so many lights in our lives. So many pieces of truth. So many moments that relieve us from our darkness. But none of it suffices until we reach the temple and stay there. The Lord can shed light on us like a streetlamp shines down on a road; it helps us have the light we need for the time being. It's enough for whatever we're facing at that moment--but you can't see beyond that, which is okay, because at that instant, you don't need to. And each light lead to another one. It gets scary though, because there are moments when you have to take a step in the dark and you have no idea what you'll face. But, if you choose your path right, it can lead to the temple which shines brighter than all the other lights combined. That's where I want to be. That's my goal. I am not settling for anything less. I can't.

High School.

High School...was such a foolish invention. Who's idea was it to stick a bunch of teenagers in the same place for 7+ hours a day (depending on any extra activities you might potentially be involved in). Teenagers. Why. Just...why. 
Okay, so let's be real. I love high school. I love learning, and I love the activities I'm involved in and I love the people I'm friends with and continually get to meet and just...pretty much everything. *Although I do hate that people don't get good grades as a result of desire to learn but in an effort to simply get a good grade because they neeeeed it. But--whatevs.*  
I have recently re-discovered I'm not very good at the whole...forgiveness thing. I should probably work on that. Just maybe. I get a little too...upset...at certain teenagers that act so much like stereotypical teenagers. Then I have to remember that I act like I'm five. So..that's probably worse. 


Moving on. 
Seminary Thought


First off--Can I just say I love Seminary? Funny story. Once upon a time school started up again and I went to a little Seminary assembly thing. There was a certain teacher that I've bunches of great things about. However, when I listened to him in said assembly, I was not super impressed with him as I'd hoped. It just didn't seem to me that our senses of humor matched up. As soon as the thought entered my mind I knew he'd be my next seminary teacher. *I secretly foresee the future* I was right. Not gonna lie--I was slightly disappointed--Which is terrible, I know! Especially because I've always always always loved my seminary classes, even when I doubted my teachers. The second I let them teach what they teach by the spirit, I loved every last one of them. Why should this teacher be different? Guess what. He's not. I love that class. 
Previously I stated I've absolutely loved every seminary class I've had. That's so full of truth I can't handle  it. They were all what I needed. Welllllll, that being said, I don't remember ever having felt the Spirit so strongly in any class I've ever had before this one. It just keeps hitting me over and over and over again just how strong it is. 
The gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints is true guys. It really is. It's something you won't ever know unless you search for the answer yourself though. No one else can do it for you. 
On to the actual Seminary Thought. 


The other day we were talking in Seminary about the difference in time between us and God. 

 Us                                            God

1,000 yrs                                            1 day

  500 yrs                                         12 hours

250 yrs                                           6 hours

125 yrs                                          3 hours

25 yrs                                            36 min

16.7 yrs                                          24 min

                               

We've existed as Intelligences for...forever. Something we cannot comprehend, but we've actually been fighting for the right for millions of years before we ever came to Earth. 

We were the only world wicked enough to crucify our Savior...that's why he atoned for our sins on this world. So...basically we live in the most wicked time of the most wicked world...how does God expect us to defeat Satan when he everything seems to point in the direction of our failure? Oh. We're his strongest spirits. He saved us for NOW. When he needed us the most. When it was most critical for us to be here and battle Satan. 

So. We've been here (or at least I have) on this Earth for approximately 25 minutes. We've worked millions of years before even venturing down here to fight for God. And, God is in dire need of our assistance here. All of us. 

Do I really want to give everything I've worked so hard for--even if I can't remember it--for some thing that's popped up within the time span of...25 minutes? After so long? Is worth it? Really? 

All of that compounded together along with the fact that wickedness never was happiness....just makes all those temptations around me look a lot less enticing. Just a bit.