I'm in Love.

Just watch.
Then you'll understand.

"The Wrong Girl"

There's a song called "The Wrong Girl" by Missy Higgins
As I was listening to it this morning, one of the lyrics practically leaped out the speakers and attacked me. 


"Hold your ground. You'll never learn a thing if you bail out now." 


I don't know how I never noticed that lyric before. It basically sums up my life at the present moment. I can't give up now, because I have the potential to learn so much--but only if push on through. 


I can do this :)

That's Why

I have this problem. 

It's called I'm Scared to Hope. 

I'm scared to want or dream or desire or hope or love. Because when I do, all that ever seems to happen is that I get hurt. The higher my hopes get, the higher the dropping point and more painful the fall. It all sounds so dumb. 

For example...

Last year I had to opportunity to go to EFY at BYU Provo. I was a bit scared. My whole family didn't think it was as good as other programs I could have gone to, but I wanted to go anyway. It was one of the best weeks I've ever had. Ever. I absolutely loved it. I can't even begin to explain the things that week did for me. It was all so amazing and I will forever be indebted to it. My testimony grew more than it ever had before and I gained values I never had before. Ever since the day I got home last year I decided I wanted to go again. 

Well the time has come to go again. My mother and I signed up for the last week in July to go. I was so stoked. It was one of the few weeks this summer that I was free to do anything. Yet there was something inside me that didn't feel like it was real. I think I know why now. 

I found out--about two weeks ago--that I can't go. My ballroom team has choreography camp that week. There's really no way I can miss it. Not if I want things to work out for me this year. Ha. I knew the commitments I made in all the things I'm doing meant I would have to sacrifice things. I knew that's what I was signing up for. What I didn't realize was that I didn't understand what kind of sacrifices that would entail. What sacrifice really was. 

Maybe I'm stupid for wanting so badly to go back to EFY. It may have been in a different place and a different experience, but I know it would still be amazing. I know it shouldn't be this hard to not get to go...but it is. I want it so bad. 

This is why I hate wanting things. THIS is why. 

Because it hurts me. 

It makes me sad. Unreasonably so. 

The thought that things might work out and I'd get to go another week to a different place tears me up. I thought there was a chance--just for a split second. Then I realized how stupid the thought was. There really isn't one. The only chance there is, is one that would entail a lot of details that needed to be worked out and just...wouldn't be. There are too many problems. 

Yet somehow I'm still wishing and wanting. Waiting for things I can't have. 

So. To certain people who told me that I was dumb for not wanting and hoping for what I really love... This is why I now regret listening to you. 

On the other hand...maybe it's good for me. Without allowing myself to be put in a position where I was vulnerable, I wouldn't be able to know how much I do indeed love the certain things I do. 

How did you know?

"The truth is, I didn't know. But, the Spirit did." --Sister Call

So true.

WWJD

What would Jesus do?


That's a question I like to ask myself a lot. The trick with that question is remembering something else along with it. We need to remember that we, ourselves, are not Jesus. We should try to do what he would do, live as he would live--but at the end of the day, remind ourselves that there are some things he could handle that we couldn't. He was perfect and stronger than we will ever be in this life. So If there is something He would do, that you simply can't, because you need to take care of yourself...that's okay. 

Parade-ness

Sometimes I realize that I have to perform in a parade. 
                    Guess who's never been in a parade before.
Oh wait. That's me.


                    Guess who psyched herself out 20 million times more than necessary. 
                    Guess who survived. 
                    Guess who feels a-freaking-mazing right now. 


Oh wait....Those are all me, too. 

There's A First Time For Everything...

Sometimes...I wish that wasn't true. That there's a first time for everything. In reality, it's not. There are some things you will simply never ever do in this life. However, there are other things, that no matter how much you want them to never happen, they do. Those situations vary from person to person. 
I did two firsts the other day. 


1. Caused a fender bender
2. Got grounded. 


In case you can't tell, those were two firsts I never wanted to happen. But they did.


There's no excuse. No matter how much you try to defend my spot. I was foolish and made a mistake. Now I'm paying for it. Normally it wouldn't be so bad. A few weeks ago I really didn't even have much of a social life--unless you count school. The thing is, it's summer now. I finally have friends that are asking me to hang out with them, do things, go on dates every once in a while, parties...etc. All well. 


In reality, I suppose it's not that bad. I stay home. So what? Let's be honest. I still have colorguard/marching band. Everyday. With my friends. That is basically hanging out. My situation could be a lot worse. On so many levels.


Soooo. I could sit and sulk about all the things I'm missing and about how I've caused my first and wishfully last accident. It's the past. All I can do is grow from it and make the best of the time I have and do what I can. My parents don't even hate me. All we did was scratch our car and our insurance is covering the other costs because it was the first accident in that vehicle. 


I'm more blessed than I give myself credit. Looking out the downside of everything does absolutely nothing for you other than make you hate the world. As fun as that is...I'd rather be happy. Call me crazy if you wish. 

Fugitive:)

Let's just talk about how I'm just a silly little teenager for a second, 'cause I like it :)


The other night, I had a friend call and invite me to come and hang out with a bunch of kids. So, I got permission and went. We played Fugitive.
I've never played fugitive before. 
Hehehe. It's fun. 
Mostly it was fun because I got to walk around at night. Or at least, that's why it was fun at first. 
Then I got into it. :D
It was the second round, and when we started again, my feeling was that of non-interest and desire to just get caught so I didn't have to worry about it anymore and could just walk back. But! Then someone in the group tipped us off that we were about to be caught. So I jumped behind a rock and we all waited for them to leave. Yes. That's when I started running and ducking and hiding. 
There was one point where I thought one of the "cops" was coming, so I ran down a grass hill that was freshly wet, and found myself slipping straight down and rolling over a couple of times. I'm pretty sure the car that was coming wasn't even them. Another time, we were behind a wall waiting for them to leave their stake out point, when one of the "cops" got out of the car and started making their way to our hiding spot. So we all jumped down and ran behind the back of the house. Of course. There was a motion detector light that shined nice and bright for us. We booked it around the side of the house and then back the other way when we realized they hadn't noticed. 
I'm pretty sure I fell like 500 times that night. 
             I ducked behind a hedge and tripped over a bush--falling flat on my face. No one saw, though. 
             I didn't see a ditch and stuck my leg right out and stepped on air...again, falling flat on my face. 
             Let's remember that when I get tired and hyper-ish....those two things replace my balance. Ha...
I'm a bit clumsy ... :)
There was a moment though, when one of the people running with us jumped behind a tree to hide and gave a bloodcurdling scream. Someone had put a face on the back of the tree. She was a bit startled... 


Oh the moments of that night were great. 
                                     Good times.... Good times. 

Dating

Let's just talk for a second about how I fail at dating.

Here's my problem:

                I just don't think. 

                        Ever. 

Ha.....yeah. It's kind of a really big problem.

And my other problem is that I don't forgive myself for messing up. Heh, heh. I should probably do that.

Let's make a list of all my awful date flaws.

1. I ended up talking to my date about another boy problem. (In my defense, he could tell I wasn't totally okay, and he asked me about it. I did try to avoid talking about it, but he wanted to know.) But, still. Wow. Who does that?
2. I agreed to go through with a date after it was obvious the guy wanted to retract his offer. 
3. I unintentionally ended up flirting with a guy that was very  much not my date. And he flirted back.......My date was not happy.
4. I did not learn my previous mistake. Whilst on a date with a bunch of people I was not well acquainted with, I was trying to meet new people and ended up flirting with another guy. Both experiences were not really intentional. However, this time (unlike the time before) I believe the girls got mad at me. Behind my back. I deserved it though. I didn't realize my personality and friendliness is often interpreted as flirting 99% of the time. 
5. I pretended I didn't want to be there for another guy in the group, because there was a girl (we weren't even interacting with) that was there, and he didn't want to stay anymore.
6. I answered the phone. On a date. And the phone call was from another guy. Who then asked me on a date for the next night. FAIL. 

But! At least now I know. So maybe I won't be such a bad date anymore :) 

That was not on my To-Do List...

Single most terrifying moment of my life. 


I can't think of another time when I've been more frightened. Ever. 


But I guess now I know one of the few things I'm scared.
                     The people I love leaving me. Being hurt, and not being able to do anything about it. Whether it's because I don't know how or simply just can't.


I don't mean emotional pain, or some kind of trial. I know those are possible to make it through. Those kind of things may take time, but for the most part, they can be overcome (if they choose to do so).. 
Yes, watching someone suffer through those kinds of things is hard; it's even harder when you know they're not making the right decisions. When you know they're only hurting themselves. When you know they are choosing to take the harder path that will only make it that much harder to deal with. Yes, that is awful and painful, and sometimes nerve wracking to witness. But that's not quite what terrifies me. 


Personally, I'm not scared to die. I'm really not. Yes, the thought that I haven't done good enough in this life scares me. No, it does terrifies me. However, I know that I'm trying my best to become better each day, and that God knows that. We both know the things I need to work on. (He knows better than I do, and he continually points it out.) But, I also feel like when I die, it's going to be just fine. Things are taken care of, and I know that as long as I do my best to be the best that I can, God and my Savior will take care of me. 


Here's what terrifies me. 
Whether logical (when put together with what I just said) or not, it does. 
I'm terrified of other people dying. 
            On my watch.
                   With me as a witness.
                        Potentially even my fault.
                              And not being able to do anything about it. 
              My lack of knowledge
                   Or understanding
                        Compromising the life on someone I love. 
                              (Which is *or should be* everyone.)


A hug. Initiated by them. 
"I'm so glad you're here." Sincerely said. 


"You're doing really well.
               at holding it together."
All sent tears to my eyes
         Before I had a chance to protest them. 


Things I never thought to happen
or ever be said...took place. 
Expressions and confusion I never thought I'd witness
...I saw. 
Fear I never imagined to face
Responsibility I never wanted
Composure I didn't have. 


Everything I had to deal with. 


Emotions I was supposed to explain
           and I just couldn't. 


Guess who's not so grown up after all....


All I can do now is thank my lucky stars
                                                                 and everything that was not actually a coincidence
                               That I don't have to be quite that grown up yet. Not really.