That's Why

I have this problem. 

It's called I'm Scared to Hope. 

I'm scared to want or dream or desire or hope or love. Because when I do, all that ever seems to happen is that I get hurt. The higher my hopes get, the higher the dropping point and more painful the fall. It all sounds so dumb. 

For example...

Last year I had to opportunity to go to EFY at BYU Provo. I was a bit scared. My whole family didn't think it was as good as other programs I could have gone to, but I wanted to go anyway. It was one of the best weeks I've ever had. Ever. I absolutely loved it. I can't even begin to explain the things that week did for me. It was all so amazing and I will forever be indebted to it. My testimony grew more than it ever had before and I gained values I never had before. Ever since the day I got home last year I decided I wanted to go again. 

Well the time has come to go again. My mother and I signed up for the last week in July to go. I was so stoked. It was one of the few weeks this summer that I was free to do anything. Yet there was something inside me that didn't feel like it was real. I think I know why now. 

I found out--about two weeks ago--that I can't go. My ballroom team has choreography camp that week. There's really no way I can miss it. Not if I want things to work out for me this year. Ha. I knew the commitments I made in all the things I'm doing meant I would have to sacrifice things. I knew that's what I was signing up for. What I didn't realize was that I didn't understand what kind of sacrifices that would entail. What sacrifice really was. 

Maybe I'm stupid for wanting so badly to go back to EFY. It may have been in a different place and a different experience, but I know it would still be amazing. I know it shouldn't be this hard to not get to go...but it is. I want it so bad. 

This is why I hate wanting things. THIS is why. 

Because it hurts me. 

It makes me sad. Unreasonably so. 

The thought that things might work out and I'd get to go another week to a different place tears me up. I thought there was a chance--just for a split second. Then I realized how stupid the thought was. There really isn't one. The only chance there is, is one that would entail a lot of details that needed to be worked out and just...wouldn't be. There are too many problems. 

Yet somehow I'm still wishing and wanting. Waiting for things I can't have. 

So. To certain people who told me that I was dumb for not wanting and hoping for what I really love... This is why I now regret listening to you. 

On the other hand...maybe it's good for me. Without allowing myself to be put in a position where I was vulnerable, I wouldn't be able to know how much I do indeed love the certain things I do.