Wednesday, July 27, 2011

And the rains came down...

I'm pretty darn convinced of two things right now:
1. The world has gotten so wicked--and the standard so low--that the earth is disgusted by it's own feel. You know, the feeling you get when you just feel gross and disgusting so you wash your hands five times? Well, that's what I'm pretty sure the earth feels like. So it keeps trying to "wash it's hands" or take a shower and cleanse itself of the filth. Unfortunately, the people inhabiting the earth just keep making it feel all dirty again. Thus, the cycle continues.
2. Nature knows me and has a special connection with my soul. That's why, when I'm angry and frustrated at life, it allows the rain to fall from the sky and wash away every negative feeling and pour peace over me. Just for a few minutes of relief. 




Basically I hate everyone. 
Okay--that's false.
I really don't. However. There are certain people in this world that make me want to scream. For a really long time. 



Alright, so maybe I don't hate everyone, but here's what I do hate. I hate feeling pressured, forced, and suffocated. A run down of my current frustration? I'm feeling the above sensations of pressure. I feel like I have to do what you want. I feel so far from any sort of freedom that it's ridiculous. Life revolves around you (no, not you, but said person in my head). The simplest things could easily make me feel guilty. Just doing what I need to do makes me feel like I need to put it off so we can do what you want and even then you're not completely satisfied. What makes it worse is that you don't mean it in a bad way. You really do have the best intentions but it's so...suffocating. 
I'm also sick of dictating things. I'm sick of it, but they're things I can't let up on; things I won't compromise. Why am always the one that sees whats going on as testing stability on the edge of a cliff? It's that line that if you cross over, you're in the devil's territory. Oh, and guess what, that one inch over the line, well, the line is a cliff, and the inch is over the edge. If you want to cross it I hope you like rock climbing... 
Why do I always have to be the one to put a stop to things. Define the lines, and re-define them again, because people only agree with them to please me for a moment and then live a different way. Everyone makes me feel like an extremest. Maybe I am, but I don't think so. Obviously...otherwise I wouldn't do it I suppose. I just don't really understand why I have to feel so alone in the decision I make when I get so many answers that they are the right decision for me. 


But that's life. And that's the way it rolls. I have no idea how I'm going to solve everything, how I'm going to say what I need to say. It will happen though. It will work out. The only wonder there really is, is if it's going to turn out the way I want it to, or if God has something better planned. I'm banking on the God answer, because I'm not even sure how things should be solved...therefore my ideas are probably not the best to go off of. 


"Jesus, take the wheel,
Take it from my hands,
'Cause I can't do this on my own.
I'm lettin' go.
So give me one more chance...
Save me from this road I'm on. 
Jesus, take the wheel."

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