Total Eclipse of the Heart

I not so secretly really wish I could dance like her. Makes my insides happy. Maybe one day..... That'd be great:) 

On to other subjects--Can I just say I love Sundays? Hope so, because I just did. Honestly though, I just love the way God never forgets about me. It's frequently obvious on Sundays. But its been a gradual happening mostly in the past 24 hours where the Lord has just poured out love to me. I needed to see that, to remember that, to remember what I'd once known and somehow let slip my mind these past weeks. 

My bishop asked me today why I try so hard to be good. At first I had no idea how in the world to answer that. We had to discuss it before I finally came down to the answer I think might explain it. There is a song on the EFY 2011 CD called "No Regrets" a lyric in that piece that says, "I wanna know the choices I've made won't leave me wishing I could make them again."

None of that sums up what happened to me this weekend, mostly because I have no idea how I would even try to explain it. All of it happened so gradually, yet somehow had a huge effect on my mind. What I do know is that I finally feel ready to face the world again. 

Worth It.

Thunder storms.
Complete and total soul.
Every piece of everything I had in me was smiling.
Rain on my skin.
The smell of the streets.
The warmth of the asphalt.
The contrast of the lightning and night sky.
The soul shaking thunder.
Hair down.
Soaked to the bone.
Dancing.
Spinning.
Jumping.
Being 5 years old.
Two of my many favorite people.
Lying in the street.
Cars dodging three bodies.
Honest smiles.


So perfect.
Everything I love.


Once upon a time...I was studying with my friends. My father said goodnight as he headed to bed and told my two friends and I that they needed to leave at 11 pm. And then it started raining. My instincts forced me to jump up and run outside. After a while, one friend followed. Then when we'd left the other alone for a sufficient amount of time, we ran to go get them. The three of us may or may not have danced in the rain. We also may or may not have decided that lying in the street was a good plan. A few cars almost smushed us but that is beside the point. It was loads of fun.
Then the rain slowed...
And our soaking bodies began to shiver.
Yet none of us had a desire to move. So we just continued to lay in the middle of the road. After a while though, we were all cold enough, and we knew it was late enough that we should probably all head home. That's when I checked my phone.
I clicked it on at the moment when 11:59 pm changes to 12:00 am.
I checked the door...locked.
Then my dog started barking.
Between the barking dog, and the garage doors opening (both did because I'm an idiot and pushed the wrong button) and the rest of the noise I wished was possible to avoid, my dad had indeed woken up again.
Needless to say... He. Was. Livid.
There may or may not have been a swear word in the few sentences he actually spoke. After he finished glaring, he just walked away with the implication that he'd deal with me in the morning.


So, here I am on the computer instead of bed. A little nervous to go to sleep because if I do, I know I'll just have to face the morning music. I'm glad neither of my friends got in trouble though. That would have been way worse.
I do have to go to bed though...So we'll see how much wrath I have to face.


As terrible as I am...I gotta say, I think it was worth it.

"All these times are hard, yeah, they're makin' us crazy. Don't give up on me."

"We're smiling but we're close to tears." 








Fun fact: Did you know I collect shot glasses? I'm secretly an alcoholic. Everything makes sense now, doesn't it?;) Okay, no, I'm really not. But, it would explain a lot. 43. 43 shot glasses. That's a fair amount. Not amazing, but it's pretty good. I should have 44...but one broke :(


Also. Go eat some raspberries. They're ridiculously delicious.
So are strawberries. 
And grapes. 
And kiwi.
And blackberry shakes are good too...just sayin'.

No comment.

Dear emotions,

Stop it. 

Sincerely,

Me. 

You know...I remember one time when I was in about first grade. Something had happened, and I was sitting out at recess in this little corner I always went to--just bawling. It wasn't uncommon for me to cry. Believe me. My family can tell you what kind of temper tantrums I threw and how much I cried over every little thing that didn't go my way. So as I sat there, again, crying. And it suddenly hit me how stupid it was. I felt so dumb for so blatantly showcasing something I'm sure was stupid. (Even though I don't actually think anyone noticed.) I remember it just hitting me and deciding I wasn't going to be like that. Right then and there I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore. At least not in public. Now that's not to say I didn't continue to be a baby. But, I refrained from any public displays. 

I succeeded. For years. I was so good at it. It wasn't until 8th grade that I slipped. Maybe it wasn't really the first time, but it was the first significant time. Before that, I didn't display my emotions. All I ever displayed was happy. Or I guess that's what it was. 

After around the middle of 8th grade I pretty much lost all control over any emotions I had. Yes. That is called being a teenager. Whatever. I still hate it. People used to think I could never be sad. Perhaps not literally, but in a way, yeah. It's what they thought. 

I was so happy-go-lucky. 

And I lost it. 

Now I'm just bipolar. 

It's sad to say that I've had a comment or more about how it's great I don't randomly get depressed and walk away anymore. So that's good! Right? 

I guess I just wish I could go back to being that great at just..being happy. Or seeming that way. Happy people are so fun to be around. Every time I try though, it never lasts. 

That's the oh so constant depressed side of me speaking though. 

At least I'm finally on my way to becoming an honest happy. It's a process though. It may not seem like it to most people. Maybe not to anyone. But I am trying. It just gets...hard. And I'm not that great at succeeding. So I'll make this time different. 

Good Enough

I feel good enough...It's been such a long time coming, but I feel good. 
And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall,
               Pour real life down on me. 
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good.  --Good Enough by Evanescence 

                                                                                                                                                                                     It's a favorite song of mine. You should listen to it.

To make it easier, I'll even put it at the end of this post. Okay? Okay. 

And once again, music tells the story of my life. 
Basically, well...it's pretty much self-explanatory. I get scared when things go well in my life. Because generally it predicates something bad and often everything I don't want to deal with :)
But, why create problems that aren't there yet? I'm not really dwelling on it, I promise. But, I listened to this song today, and I hadn't listened to it in a while. And it suddenly made sense to me why I've been scared in the back of my mind so much recently. I'm waiting to find out that things can't really be this good in my life. Let's be real. I don't deserve all the blessings I've been receiving as of late. So I'm sure there's a counter part to this deal somewhere. I'll deal with that when it comes around though and just be happy now. Well, I'll try to be happy when the rest of this dealio comes around, too. :) 

Dear Journal...

You know, I actually really love writing in my journal of sorts. Or whatever you'd call it. The history of my life. I love it. Know why? Because it's quite therapeutic. It either gets my angry/frustrated/negative emotions out....or, it allows me to spill my happiness and joy onto a page. 


Only one problem...


I get busy and life goes ridiculously crazy and there's so much I want to write down I don't know where to start! Consequently--none of it gets poured onto a single inch of the beautiful paper created for such use. Then when I'm NOT busy, there's nothing going on...so there doesn't seem to be a point in writing in it.


Now I have to go back and relate the past like...6 months of my life or the present and future ones won't make sense. That's going to take forever. Yay... ;)


Just thought I'd share since it happened to be on my mind. Now, you just go on and just have a fun-filled day. 

Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak At the funeral of a friend. He referred to the dates on her tombstone From the beginning to the end. He noted that first came the date of her birth And spoke of the following date with tears, But he said what mattered most of all Was the dash between those years For that dash represents all the time That she spent alive on earth And now only those who loved her Know what that little line is worth For it matters not, how much we own, The cars, the house, the cash, What matters is how we live and love And how we spend our dash. So think about this long and hard; Are there things you’d like to change? For you never know how much time is left That can still be rearranged If we could just slow down enough To consider what’s true and real And always try to understand The way other people feel And be less quick to anger And show appreciation more And love the people in our lives Like we’ve never loved before If we treat each other with respect And more often wear a smile, Remembering that this special dash Might only last a little while. So when your eulogy is being read With your life’s actions to rehash Would you be proud of the things they say About how you spend your dash? -Linda Ellis

Silence

Rushing.
Tension.
Frantic motions.
Entirely unnecessary.
No one really cares.
It's just family.
They came to see you, not your house.
Which is good,
        because it's a mess.

Children all around.
screaming,
laughing,
crying,
asking,
talking...

So much noise.
Everywhere.
An entire range of emotions
continue to cycle throughout the day.
Excitement,
Shame,
Fear,
Anger,
Annoyance,
Fun,
Love,
Happiness.

Family:
everyone you love
even if you don't know it.

Then, the inevitable end begins to come.
First one sister--gone with her new husband.
Then another, back home.
       Gone is that family.
Then a brother and his wife and children.

A few days later...
Another sister. Gone.
Then the last one to leave...a brother.

As he says goodbye and takes his kids,
the house is once again, empty.

Now it's just you.
Like it seems to be so often.

So many siblings.
So many in-laws.
So many nieces.
So many nephews.

Yet
Secretly,
You're an only child.
And silence wraps itself around you.

Mmhmm

I LOVE MY WHOLE HOUSE.




Yes. 
Basically I just wanted to take a second and say my life is amazing.

• I love my family. 
•     Sometimes I keep that a bit of a secret but I do I do I do. 
• I have the BEST friends I could ask for.
• I have a relatively healthy body and no real disabilities that hold my back from doing the things I love. 
• I have so many people that care about me to help me or forgive me.
• I have love and support. 
• I have---do you want me to continue? Because I could. For ages. There's so much.

Recently though it's occurred to me how ridiculously stoked I am for this upcoming school year. 
*Sidenote: For a moment in time quite recently I wasn't handling life well. I was so sick of everything that I was on the verge of shutting down. But the Lord knew exactly what I needed and he gave it to me piece by piece. He started by helping me understand bits of one of my problems and why those things were happening. Then he sent me to church and then he gave me a friend (well, quite a few) who forced me to see everything wonderful that was happening around me. 
And I got really excited about life again.

• I have a full spot (so far)
• One of my best friends is finally coming to my school.
• We have three classes together. 
• I'm involved in three things I love: Colorguard (Marching Band), Ballroom, and I'm finally going to be singing again (in A Capella) 
• I'm almost 17--Wait what? Shut up. That's weird. 
• I get to go on tour this year--like 5,000 times. I'm making up for lost tour time.

I dunno. There's a lot stuff. I just feel like this year is going to be a-freaking-mazing. Those things..up there...they're a big deal to me. I don't deserve them. The Lord is blessing me more than I could ask for. 
I suppose a part of me is scared it's too good to be true. But another part of me thinks that the Lord can do whatever He wants and maybe He wants this. Maybe I need these things for one reason or another. And I'm just lucky enough to want them as well. I'm sure He'll throw in a fair amount of things I never wanted to face. But, with the amount He blesses me with...I think it more than evens out. 


Basically I had a few moments where I stopped and screamed (in my head):


I LOVE MY LIFE.




**P.S. I apologize for my bipolarish personality. 

I Got You

A place to crash, I got you.

No need to ask, I got you.

Just get on the phone, I got you.

Come and pick you up if I have to. 

Go ahead and say goodbye--I'll be alright.

Go ahead and make me cry--I'll be alright. 

When you need a place to run to,

For better, for worse, I got you. 

Ain't fallin' apart or bitter,

Let's be bigger than that and remember

The cooling outdoor when you're all alone

Won't survive it,

No drama,

No need for a show,

Just wanna say I got you. 

And then, sometimes, songs tell the story of my life. 

A Dance in the Rayne

That's the name of this blog, correct? (If you think it's not correct...you concern me.)
Most people that know me, know my nickname is Rayne. It come from my first name and I've had it ever since I  can remember. It is also highly likely you've also read or just know that "Life isn't about waiting out the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain!" is pretty much my motto. I love rain. Everyone knows that. So you can probably see how this all fits together, yes? 
Well, there's one more little aspect to that. 
It's not just that I love going crazy and dancin' in the rain, but I absolutely love dance. I mean LOVE. 


I remember when I was little, my brother was in college at BYU Provo, and on their tour team. My mother would always take me to their performances and competitions. Oh man. I always looked forward to those. I got so excited and each and every time we would leave I'd beg my mom to put me in dance class. I wanted to dance like that!! There are vague memories of consideration but then having my sisters say I was spoiled and didn't deserve it. In reality it wasn't that my mom wouldn't have put me in one, but she never got around to it. So when I finally entered middle school in 7th grade you better believe Dance Basics was my top priority and there was no way I would have settled for not being in it. 7th grade, 2nd semester, 5th period. That's when it finally began. I loved it. Simple as that. The next year I tried out and got on to their Advanced team. No, I wasn't the best--that was obvious, because otherwise I would have been on Performance Company. Do you want to know how much I cared? Okay, yes, sure I really wanted to be on Performance Company, but I was dancing on a relatively good team, and that's all that mattered to me. 
It was the next year things got a little more interesting. I had tried out for the Freshman team at our high school, and made it. However, I had also been advised to try out for the BYU Youth Junior program. So I did. I made it, too. That year I danced on their Standard B and Latin A teams. You better believe that when I found out I was on their Latin A team I was ecstatic. I adored that medley and probably always will. Well, the next year I only bothered trying out for BYU Youth again, only this time I'd actually be on the legitimate Youth team. That's where things are a lot more intense. So many people tried out that year they added another team. Technically it was called Performance Company. Everyone else calls it C team. That's the team I got on. It was a good experience, but I would never want  to be on it again. That aside, because of schedule issues I found out I could no longer do dance with the BYU youth program. I was devastated. I assumed it would be the end of my dancing..it just wasn't possible anymore. Don't you ever assume that was an easy decision to make. However, I had to choose, and after much prayer,  I felt like making the choice to commit to the one thing that would tear me away from the BYU team was the right choice to make. It wasn't until months later, that my friend made me realize there was a huge possibility for me to make our high school Varsity Ballroom team. Well, I tried out. Through some miracle, I made it, too. Stoked? Easily. I finally began realizing how right that team was for me. The choice of staying on it has and will certainly continue to come with it's fair share of sacrifices, but so does anything worth it. 
Now that I've shared that little story of my life, I have to clarify: Ballroom Dance is in no way the only dance I love. 
Continuing on with stories of my life...
My sister has a small idea of how much I love dance. She's been telling me for weeks how she has wanted to show me these videos of dances she thought were cool, but never taken the time to show me. (Mostly because the computer that would show them the best is always occupado.) Today she finally had her chance. We went on her room, and showed me the first video. 
It was a cabaret shown on So You Think You Can Dance to the music from Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End. 
Incredible. To say the least...
The fact that any two bodies could move like that and do what they did...seemed physically impossible and was absolutely mind boggling. Given, they were number one in cabaret both nationally and world-wide, but still. 
Here's the second dance she showed me.

(You can skip to 1:40 if you wish.)


And here's the third. 

(Again, feel free to skip to 1:45 if you don't want to see the pre-performance stuff...)


And the fourth goes to....

(1:40...if you want. The beginning is kind of funny though. This dance I just thought was fun.)

Numero five:

Psych!! That was really the second one she showed me, but I forgot. Don't ask me how, because it's...ahhh. Before I expound on that here's the last one...

Holy heavens...I can't even describe.. That last one is easily my favorite. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't help but exclaim (multiple times I might add...) that I wished I could dance like that. I wish I could have that talent. But man. that last one. I've watched over and over and every time I'm lost for words. I literally cannot describe my feelings toward it all. 

Seriously though. I heard someone once explain their love for music because it was a way to express the emotions you can't always word. It's so true; even music with lyrics just magnifies it and takes to a whole new level and talks of things and creates the emotion that can just set the words off. Well, for me, dance takes it one step higher. It's the music combined with body language. "And DON'T underestimate the importance of BODY LANGUAGE, HA!" Sorry--couldn't help it. For realsies though. When I watched every single one of those dances, they told stores, spoke emotions and forced you (well, me) to feel things in a way I don't always feel when just talking or reading something. They're emotions of experience and memory. 

When I was leaving after my sister had shown me all of these, I said "Wow..I'll know when I'm in love with someone because I'll feel the same way about them as I do with dance." 

Coolest. Mom. Ever.

Fact: Los Hermanos is easily in my top favorite restaurants. 

Fact: Once upon a time I went there for my birthday dinner.

Fact: They gave me free fried ice cream, 'cause I'm just that cool. 

Fact: That was the first fried ice cream I'd ever tasted. 

Fact: I loved it.

Fact: I've been craving fried ice cream for the past ... long time. 

Fact: My mom wanted something sweet and delicious. 

Fact: At 9:45 pm we drove across town to Los Hermanos. 

                     To have Fried Ice Cream and an Apple Empanada.

                                  For dinner.

                              That was all. 

Fact: I tasted heaven.

Fact: We. Are. Awesome.

Also. 

Fact: I enjoy eating ice cream with a fork. Deal with it. 

P.S. 

(just in case you were questioning whether or not Los Hermanos is legit or not... feast your eyes upon how epic they are.)

Oh the Irony :)

Oh life. You make me laugh. God likes to tease me in the serious type of way. I like that He makes me laugh while still teaching me something though. So that last post was typed before I had to be on my way to mutual. I pretty much posted it, finished getting ready and left. I get to mutual and we have an opening hymn. Guess what it was.

When upon life's billows you are tempest tossed, 

When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,

Count your many blessings; name then one by one,

And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Are you ever burdened with a load of care? 

Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear? 

Count your many blessings; every doubt will fly,

and you will be singing as the days go by. 

Okay, okay. I get the point. Count my blessings. He didn't stop there--He practically forced me to count my blessings. 

To make a long story short...I got my friend back. Someone I thought I'd lost. I couldn't help but give up on the friendship...and somehow the Lord gave back to me. Tenfold. I got more than I ever dared ask for. It feels like everything around us has changed and situations are so much better, but we somehow managed to get that same friendship I've missed so much back. Times I used to take for granted I was able to experience once again. It almost scares me, because I feel like maybe the world is going to yank everything back away. This time though...I think it may just be kind enough to let me keep this.
"Speak of the devil, and the devil shall appear."
People aren't kidding when they say that.
Earlier I had spoken to a friend of a particular person had left my life and we'd both moved on. Ships had sailed and we hadn't spoken in months. There didn't seem to be a need to. All of maybe 2 hours (if that) passed, and I got a text. From them. What? From who? Why are you texting me.. So much confusion passed in my brain. My body physically reacted to something that should have been no big deal. But it was. Or seemed to be. I almost didn't want to talk to them, but I'm so glad I did. It took me these months to finally learn and understand some of the things that happened way back when and why. I had fooled myself into thinking I understood reasons, and therefore the fact that it angered me seemed rationalized. Only now that I finally got to speak to them, I realized life had chosen to teach me what they'd been through and why they'd acted in the ways they had. It honestly feels like such a relief. The anger and hurt is all gone. Completely vanished.

Obviously there are so many more blessings I couldn't count them all, but those are the only ones I'm going to mention. In this post that is.

Life is awesome. I don't understand it in the least. In fact...life has recently decided to put my life in a blender just to shake things up and make it more interesting. All I know is the end result ends up teaching me life is really made out of fruit and it just wanted to make smoothie. That's why all those things got so mixed up. And after being patient, you get to taste of the magical deliciousness life smoothie.

Iridescent

Linkin Park
Maybe it surprises you, and maybe it doesn't. Maybe you don't know even know what there is to be surprised about. If you don't, maybe it surprises you that you don't know. 
Moving on. 
If you have never heard the song Iridescent by Linkin Park, here's your chance:

        Listen to it. 

I dare you. 

I love music. I'm not kidding when I say I would be lost without it. I honestly have found so many answers within the music I listen to. There have been times when it has helped me realize truths, explained things to me, guided me, calmed me, helped me vent, and sometimes even just understand and comprehend the feelings I have. Certain lines have jumped out at me in songs I've listened to all my life but never noticed a particular line of lyrics, or entire songs will tell the story of my life, and then sometimes it's lyrics I've always known but somehow forgotten. Perhaps it sounds dumb to you, but I need music. 

One of my favorite things is when you hear a song right at the moment you need it most. 
That happened today. 
Life does as life pleases. None of us get out of it without making difficult choices. While the choice life presented me quite recently is not the most challenging of ones out there, it has been extremely hard for me. No matter which way I turn there is a sacrifice to made. It's up to me which sacrifice I make. That scares me. I can't tell you how many times I prayed I wouldn't be forced to choose. However, somewhere in the back of my head I always knew I'd have to. So I did. 
Truth is I probably couldn't describe exactly how I felt and why. My emotions are so layered and the things I love so complicated that sometimes even I don't understand my attachments and desires. 
I did finally calm myself though after having a bit of a breakdown though, and had the opportunity to re-listen to this song. 


No, life isn't all better and miraculously easy, because that would defeat the purpose of life. 

"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it."

So I'll take life as it throws itself at me and deal with what I must and just try to be as happy as I can. It's the only life I got, so I might as well spend as much of it as I can smiling :)