Thursday, August 25, 2011

No comment.

Dear emotions,
Stop it. 
Sincerely,
Me. 


You know...I remember one time when I was in about first grade. Something had happened, and I was sitting out at recess in this little corner I always went to--just bawling. It wasn't uncommon for me to cry. Believe me. My family can tell you what kind of temper tantrums I threw and how much I cried over every little thing that didn't go my way. So as I sat there, again, crying. And it suddenly hit me how stupid it was. I felt so dumb for so blatantly showcasing something I'm sure was stupid. (Even though I don't actually think anyone noticed.) I remember it just hitting me and deciding I wasn't going to be like that. Right then and there I promised myself I wouldn't cry anymore. At least not in public. Now that's not to say I didn't continue to be a baby. But, I refrained from any public displays. 
I succeeded. For years. I was so good at it. It wasn't until 8th grade that I slipped. Maybe it wasn't really the first time, but it was the first significant time. Before that, I didn't display my emotions. All I ever displayed was happy. Or I guess that's what it was. 
After around the middle of 8th grade I pretty much lost all control over any emotions I had. Yes. That is called being a teenager. Whatever. I still hate it. People used to think I could never be sad. Perhaps not literally, but in a way, yeah. It's what they thought. 
I was so happy-go-lucky. 

And I lost it. 

Now I'm just bipolar. 
It's sad to say that I've had a comment or more about how it's great I don't randomly get depressed and walk away anymore. So that's good! Right? 

I guess I just wish I could go back to being that great at just..being happy. Or seeming that way. Happy people are so fun to be around. Every time I try though, it never lasts. 

That's the oh so constant depressed side of me speaking though. 

At least I'm finally on my way to becoming an honest happy. It's a process though. It may not seem like it to most people. Maybe not to anyone. But I am trying. It just gets...hard. And I'm not that great at succeeding. So I'll make this time different. 

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