4:28 am

That's not the time this will be posted.
But, it's the time this post was started. 


Why am I up? 
Because I can be. 

Actually it's because I fell asleep around 9 pm 

then proceeded to wake up about 1:28 am. 

Why not fall back asleep? 

Many reasons.

The main one being: I didn't want to. 

I've come to a couple of conclusions on this early morning.

1. The peace of the early morning, before sunrise, when blanketed by the vision of light snow on the ground is exquisite.

2. If my house were on fire and I had 60 seconds to grab only one thing, it would be my scriptures.

3. Early morning is in fact one of the best times to be awake. 

4. Sometimes it's nice to be awake when no one else is.

Sometimes it's nice to have silence. 

Sometimes it's good to be alone. 

5. I should probably go back to bed or I could potentially regret it in the...later morning. 

I have a ton of love in my heart for life right now and all the people in it. Just FYI. AKA I love you all. 

PS ...nope, there's really nothing left to say. I just wanted to use another acronym. 

:)

In an effort to prove I'm not always depressed....




8 DAYS.
Happiness does exist in my life;)


8.....








We go to HAWAII IN 8 DAYS!!!


Pearl Harbor is going to be such an amazing experience and I'm. So. Stoked. 


.....I'm not really sure how it got here so fast..but it did:)

Bittersweet.

Lonely, stubborn, and complacent,
You have insisted on leaving me here writing the same song I started last year. 


Lovely conjunctions and phrases; plays on a few words that you never meant. I must have misread all of the signals you never sent. 

It's a bittersweet life,

and it's leaving me a-okay. 

Bittersweet life. 

I have loved and lost my heart along the way. 

Maybe I could still hold you, 

Or you could call, if you feel so inclined. 

Please take your time locating whatever you're trying to find. 

And, maybe it's time to let go...

But I am too scared and I'm so unprepared. 

How do I forget every moment in time that we shared? 

I'm calling your bluff.

I've toyed with the idea of burning your stuff.

This is so rough.

And it's as if deserting me wasn't enough.

Well, I've had enough. 

I'm calling your bluff.

It's a bittersweet life. 

Flashback.

"All that I know
                   is I don't know
                             how to be something you miss..."


I never knew just how much reign you still had over my emotions. 
I don't want to admit just how much I suppressed everything that happened. 
That is, until the moment you decided to care...for just a second. 


Now I have to admit just how much I...miss you. 

Dear ______.

Dear said person in my mind that I will refrain from naming,
I know you hate me. 
Everyone knows you hate me.
I respect that. I don't necessarily understand it, I don't know that I agree with you or even think I deserve it. But, you do, and I'm sure there's more to your side that I never got the chance to understand. 


That is all fine. I've come to live with it and accept it. 


Everything that happened, happened over a year ago. I moved on. Obviously you didn't. I tried to be friendly again--that just aggravated you. So I wondered if maybe I should just ignore you, but if I did that, you would use that as cause to hate on me more because I'd become the jerk who started it all over again. The only happy medium I could find was being friendly in action without interaction. I've tried so hard to do is respect you--which hasn't exactly been easy. 


With all that said, 
Here's what is NOT okay with me:
You
telling my friends 
to hate me. 


Excuse me? 
You haven't even talked me in a year and a half. 
You don't have any idea who I am now--and I am not the same girl I was back then. 
Besides, even if I was, what does getting other people to hate me do for you? 


"Forgive them, for they know not what they do." 
I guess you just don't understand yet. Maybe one day you'll learn. 
Thank you for allowing me to see who my real friends are. Anyone that really knows me and truly cares about me and is worth keeping in my life... they won't listen to you in that regard. 


I hope you find happiness. I hope things work out for you. I hope you can learn to move on, and let it go; lessen that burden. I hope you find what you're looking for. 

That happened.

That awful moment when you find out you let someone down. 


That moment sucks. 


I've always known I'm not as good as people make me out to be. I wish I was though. It's hard to find out you disappointed someone. 

I won't tell you lies,
I will stand accused with my hand on my heart.
I'm just trying to say I'm sorry--it's all that I can say. You mean so much, and I'd fix all that I've done if I could start again. I'd throw it all away to the shadows of regrets and you would have the best of me. 


I know that I can't take back all of the mistakes, but I will try. Although it's not easy, I know you believe me, because I would not lie.