Just a Thought

"If everything's coming at you, you're in the wrong lane."
So make a U-turn, and go the other way.


Sometimes, we get angry that no one agrees with us, or sees our side of things. Yes, sometimes its really unfair. On the other hand, maybe it's not so much that the world is against you, but that it's trying to tell you you're going the wrong way. You need turn around. You made a wrong turn. Every once in a while, we need to admit that we're wrong.

So if everything is coming at you, try turning around and seeing if you somehow got a little bit mixed up and need to just take a breath, and try again.

Summer

Okay.
So I feel like I've just been this little ball of depression as of late. But, I'm really not always like that! That's why I wanted to write about some of the fun stuff that's happened over the past couple weeks. :)


The other day, school got out for the summer. I didn't realize one day could be so exhausting but so fun! I woke up a little before 5:00 am so I could be ready, out the door, and to the school by 6:00 am. After having a rehearsal from 6:15 am to 7:15 am I went to my classes which were shortened and completely pointless (well, except Seminary that is). Then, after a half hour of cleaning out lockers, we went to our last class of the day and got our yearbooks!! I had already looked through it though, considering I was on Yearbook Staff....so we just all got right down to signing each others yearbooks. Can I just say, that is more stressful than it should be! I mean, you want to write something meaningful and heartfelt and all that jazz but at the same time, you want to sign everyone's and people are leaving all over the place so you're trying to catch them before they leave and it's crazy!!!
Whew.
After that though, I went home and just took a lil' 10 minute nap. Then I went back to the school to watch our musical theaters performance of "The Drowsy Chaperone". It was pretty funny! A bit weird...but funny :) After talking to everyone and all the friends I went with, I had to go home and check in with my dad--just to make sure he didn't want to kill me or anything. Then pretty quickly after I got home another friend picked me up so we could go to a little ASL end of the year party thinga-ma-jig. We stayed for..maybe 1/2 hour? Then we decided to go meet up with some of the friends I'd been with earlier who went to a party at another friends lot! (I apologize if this is confusing...there were a lot of people involved.) Before driving up to her lot, we saw someone else having a party...and decided to crash it and say hi. It was great! One of my best friends wast here and he as really confused. It was great :)
As we finally leave and start heading up to the lot, we see them all in a truck heading down the park. So we have to pull a U-y and turn around and go back! Of course two of the guys in the truck jumped out and one of them dove through our window into the back seat, while the other decided to just daintily sit on the window and hold on to the top of the car. After being at the park for a little bit, me and the girl who drove us another dude decided to go for a nature walk and whilst on the journey decided we should go get Wendy's!!! So we ran back to her car, drove to Wendy's and drove around a teeny bit and came back to the party. Of course, they were all headed back up to the lot, so we got back in the car, (this time I drove. Teehee) and the same two boy and my friend sat with their feet through the window, heads out. Oh goodness... teenagers;) 
Upon finally arriving at the lot we basically had a dance party and it was super great. Especially considering I can't pull off hip hop. At all. But it was super fun :)
Of course the time came for us to go home though, so on our way down towards the main road, I finally got my turn sitting through the window. IT WAS SO FUN!!! Lemme tell ya.
I wish it was legal............
Highlights of the night

• Whilst on the walk through nature, a couple of great things happened...
• 1. Me and my friend went on a little memory exchange all the back from 2nd grade when were inseparable best friends
• 2. WE FOUND $10 ON THE GROUND!!!! (Actually, my friend did...but he let me keep it.) 
• Earlier in the day when we were headed to the ASL party, my friend completely and totally ran a stop sign. It was freaking hilarious. (Freaky + Hilarious = Freaking Hilarious)
• Let me just preface this with the fact that the girl who was driving us all around hadn't signed my yearbook that day... So we were in the drive-thru line at Wendy's and we made a joke about me being spastic or something like that and she goes "hahahahaha did you read what I wrote in your yearbook?!?" I was like.."uh...you haven't written in it yet..." I felt like I'd been left out on my own pre-inside joke. She'd come up with something to write...she just hadn't written it yet :)
• And, of course...riding halfway out the car :D

Man, you have no idea how much I needed that night. It was the most fun I've had in a long time. And, ya know what? It's the first time I've felt good about being a teenager in a long time. My friend was telling me the other day that yes, I should be mature about things, but I'm only 16. I need to enjoy being 16 while I can. Sometimes I just need to be maturely immature. (Yes, that makes sense. Deal with it.) I'll get too old fast enough. So I did just that! I decided to have fun being a teenager :) Yay for summer!!!

Trust

My friend once told me that I use trust as a test. I'll "trust" people, but as soon as they make a mistake, I never forget it.
Maybe that's true in the sense that if I go back and think about it, yeah, I tend to remember what happened. But, I really don't think I use it against them....I try really hard not to even bring it up. Or at least I think I do. Unless there's a question that just won't settle. I didn't think that I used it against people.
I don't even care if you hurt me. I just want you to come back. That's all I want. 


I realized, that all I want, is a heck of a lot. 
I'm very selfish. 
It's like I'm asking for payment or something. 


You know...I was talking to my dad..about all of this. In a way, I think I was hoping for some sympathy which was a mistake. He told me that I wouldn't be able to do the things I wanted to do, unless I was Christ.


That's just it though. That's exactly who I want to be like. 
The question is how much do I want that?
Because if I want it, I have to be willing to change. Forget myself. Just serve.
And, remember, that Christ suffered more pain than any of us can possibly attempt to comprehend. No, I'll never have to experience that. But, when your goal is to serve other people--everyone--you will inevitably, without fail, will be hurt multiple times. On various different levels. And, no, you never get used to it.


I'll never be able to reach the level of Christ and his perfection in this life. It's my goal though. 
So now I need to actually change, and become that selfless type of person, because when I look at my life..it's anything but. 




And, I do apologize if I have ever used the past against you. I hope you'll forgive me for that. We're all human and we all make mistakes every day. It's not as if I haven't hurt everyone else. So, I'm sorry. 

Fact.

Fact: I absolutely love the feeling of brushing my teeth. 
Fact: My life would not exist without music.
Fact: Rain is one of my all time favorite things. 
Fact: Thunder is the best kind of rainstorm.
Fact: I love the smell before, during, and after rain.
Fact: Summer rain is the best thing that ever happened to this planet.
Fact: It rained today.
Fact: I love strawberries.
Fact: The first thing I notice about a person is their smile (or lack thereof) 
Fact: Smiling is one of the most attractive things a person can do.
Fact: I'm in love with blue eyes.
Fact: I'm an oxymoron.
Fact: When I envision myself with children (which I want more than anything) I can't see myself with toddlers or babies. I see myself with 9-10 year olds and teenagers.
Fact: People are stupid.
Fact: Boys are not worth it in high school. 
Fact: God works in mysterious ways. 
Fact: People don't treat themselves with enough respect.
Fact: Doing what's right would be so much easier if everyone combined forces and had each others' backs. 
Fact: It's discouraging to be around people that say they have the same beliefs as you, but don't live them. 
Fact: I should go do homework...
Fact: Summer vacation is in 2 weeks.
Fact: This is just beginning to dawn on me.
Fact: This year went by so fast for me.
Fact: I don't feel quite ready to grow up.
Fact: I'm so over high school drama. 
Fact: I should really stop writing facts. 
Fact: I do things so much better when you let me do them in my own time or allow me to volunteer. 
Fact: I hate redundancy.
Fact: I can't stand it when people lie.
Fact: I hate sugar-coated deceiving and cleverly worded phrases to avoid being "mean". 
Fact: You'll get along just fine with me if you're just plain honest. 
Fact: I need to go. 
Fact: This is the 33 fact.
Fact: I'm officially done with this post. 

Sometimes

Sometimes I don't know what to do with all the feelings inside of me.

I don't know how to act.
I don't know what to say.
I don't know what to expect.
I don't know how to cope.
I don't know who to talk to. 
I don't know how to focus.
I don't know if it's okay to cry.
Sometimes I just don't know.
I want to escape all of it. 
I want the fear to leave.
I want the temptations to disappear.
I want to feel like me....
             because I haven't.
                    not in a long time.
I want time to stop.
             yet I want it to skip a couple years.
I'm the biggest contradiction. 


Nothing and no one makes sense.


And I don't know how to get through it.
I just know that somehow I will. 

Spiritual Bombardment :)

Wow. I wish I could really explain how amazing this weekend has been. I'm not going to lie, I've been really quite depressed as of late. It's been pretty obvious. Although a couple weeks ago I had this epiphany that I didn't have to be unhappy; that I was sick of being sad and I was just going to happy--because I could be. Well, ever since then, I've been improving. Agonizingly slowly--but improving all the same. This weekend though...has been amazing. 
See, I have certain things going on in life that just plain hurt. It's been tough, because it hurts and it's confusing and I know there are things I could do, but I"m not sure if they're the right things to do. I don't know which steps I should take, or if I should take any. I don't know if I should take them, but wait a little while, because it's not the right time yet. And then, if I do wait,  we're back to square one: which step do I take? Or do I take all of them or any number of different combinations of them? Everything is just so uncertain. And then, would they be the right steps to take because they'd finally make things work out? Or are they right because I need to learn a lesson in doing them? There are a million questions running through my head and so many uncertainties, that I don't really know how to handle it. 
I know everything will work out...I just don't know how. The uncertainties are what get to me. I want to understand just exactly how it's going to work. 
You know...this weekend, as stated in my title, I feel like I've just been bombarded with these fantastic spiritual experiences. 
Friday, I was just kind of going around the house, and while I was in the kitchen, I found this new CD my mom had purchased. It was titled "Break Up With the World". I was like "huh?" So I read the description on the back, and it actually looked pretty interesting. So I went to find my mom and ask if I could open it and listen to it. She goes "Ohhh!! You weren't supposed to find that! I didn't want to forget to give it to you so I put it on the counter. I figured if I put it upside down you wouldn't look at it. That's your belated Easter present." Sweet! I quickly opened it and ran into my room to go listen to it. It was by this guy named Hank Smith. I'd never heard of him, but I was excited. Man, the guy is hilarious. I was cracking up. But his message really hit me. There's a scripture in the Doctrine and Covenants 25:10. It reads, "And verily I say unto thee that thou shalt lay aside the things of this world and seek for the things of a better." Previously he'd been talking about break up lines. Well, he read that and said that to him, it sounded like a break up line. He goes on to talk about how we'd be so much happier if we "broke up" with our worldly things, because it will never be enough. When he challenged us to find the one thing that's hardest to break up with, but needed the most...it hit me that there were some things in my life that really didn't need to be there. They didn't make me happy but I still held on to them. But, anyway, I just loved that someone so funny could bring so much of the Holy Ghost with him. 
Later that night, I was with a couple of my friends at our school's dance concert. They had choreographed a lot of their pieces to stories or experiences of teachers or people they knew. One particular piece almost moved me to tears. The spirit was so strong there. I got to see all these girls who--to be honest--many of them I wasn't particularly fond of, but I got to see them in this beautiful light, and I suddenly felt this love for all of them that I'd never felt before. These were not feelings I'd really expected to have that night. But, it was just the coolest experience. And, I'm glad I got to share it with my two friends:)
Well, Saturday, I got a chance to talk for a really long time with my friend about spiritual things. Maybe that seems simple, but to me, I just loved it. She got me thinking about a lot of things and even if she hadn't, talking with my close friends about the church is one of my favorite things ever, because of the feeling I get when I do it. 
Today, Sunday, it just all seemed to come together. One of my best friends was our Sunday school teacher today. She spoke of a lot of things, but as she talked, I realized something I needed to know. It was an answer to all the questions I've prayed about. Personal revelation isn't about yes or no questions. It's about understanding. God wants to give us knowledge, not answers. The knowledge is the key we need to answer all our questions. Knowledge, unlike answers, takes time. Occasionally God will give us straight out answers, but not very often, and those answers come immediately. However, the majority of the time, we learn and gain knowledge piece by piece. It builds upon itself and makes all kinds of connections and answer way more questions than the straight up answers we think we need right now. And, one day, we'll finally gain all of the knowledge God has to give us. But, for now, he's the teacher and we're the students. We're not going to learn unless we actually go to class. Even then though, it's all on his schedule. He's got the syllabus all planned out and he knows the order and timing everything needs to happen in. 
I'm so grateful that God knows me and how to get through to me. He knows how I need to learn and he's patient enough to let me learn. I'm so glad I know He loves me. He is the one person I can always and forever count on, and he will never in all of eternity let me down.