Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Prayer of the Children

We had a tribute today. To all the victims in Connecticut.
Our Madrigal choir was asked to sing Prayer of the Children. I no longer have any doubt that we were inspired to sing that song our first term in choir.

That performance today was truly one of the most powerful musical experiences I have ever had. 
My heart goes out to all the children--including the friends of those that died, the siblings that will never see their brother or sister again. To the parents who never thought this would happen. To presents that will remain unwrapped presents on Christmas day. To the teachers. To all. Because the effects of this tragedy really do reach so much farther than the obvious heartbreak. I hope you do begin to hear the prayer of the children. 

(This is not my picture; it's just a picture from the tribute.)

Can you hear the prayer of the children?
On bended knee in the shadow of an unknown room.

Empty eyes with no more tears to cry, turning heav'nward toward the light. 
Crying Jesus help me to see the morning light one more day,
but if I should die before I wake, I pray my soul to take.

Can you feel the hearts of the children?
 Aching for home--for something of their very own.
Reaching hands with nothing to hold on to,
but hope for a better day, a better day.
Crying Jesus help me to feel the love again in my own land,
but if unknown roads lead away from home,
give me loving arms, way from harm.
Can you hear the voice of the children?
Softly pleading for the silence of the shattered world.
Angry guns preach the gospel full of hate,
blood of the innocent on their hands.
Crying Jesus help me to feel the sun again on my face,
for when darkness clears I know your near, bringing peace again.
Can you hear the prayer of the children.

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Sorry I'm Not Perfect.

I'm an awful person. 
It's fine. I've come to accept it. 

You know those things called "Family Vacations"? Yeah. That's an oxymoron for me. If it's family, it's not a vacation. If it's a vacation--it's not full of my family. 
I've been the joke of the family for--ever. Yupp. What else is the last child for? Save to ridicule and mercilessly tease them?
So what happens when it doesn't sound like a joke anymore? What then? What if it's been going on so long that your nieces and nephews have heard and followed the lead on that? And now, not only your entire family but the children as well, just mock you. 

"We're going to the park, are you coming?"
"Actually, I'm not sure."
"Well, you might not want to. You're probably busy texting on your phone." 

Excuse me?
You're what, 11? and I'm 18. Let's talk about how you don't know anything about me or my life or my reasons. Let's talk about how I'm your aunt. Let's talk about how you should show a little bit more respect. Let's talk about how I'm sick of it. Sick of the attitude and the judgmental, condescending, comments. Jokes. I'm the awkward 18-year-old. Too young to fit in with my actual siblings. Too old to fit in with the nieces and nephews. The one who just doesn't have a place in her own family.

I'm sick of feeling like my family is the place I should feel safe, and it's the place I feel most vulnerable and attacked. Most like I'm a failure. Most like I should be everything I'm not, because I'm nothing like them. 
I don't want to feel like that. I want to feel like they love me despite my difference. Like they give a crap about my feelings.
But they don't. I can just suck it up. 

Or, maybe I'll let them judge me. I'll close myself off, and I'll avoid them for the most part and they'll say what they say. They'll get offended. They'll make snide remarks. Because that's what they do best. But they'll never ask. Never will they actually consider inquiring as to why I don't come out. Why I had or escape from them.

"Behold, you have had many afflictions because of your family; 
nevertheless, I will bless you and your family, yea, your little ones; 
and the day cometh that they will believe and know the truth
 and be one with you in my church."
--Doctrine and Covenants 31:2
I will actually try to face the music. I just don't want to right now. 

Happy Thanksgiving though. There is certainly a lot to be grateful for--in spite of the hard things in life. If you can't think of anything, just take a look outside. For me, I enjoy the sky. It's quite incredible at all moments.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

I Hope They Call Me On A Mission.

I hope they call me on a mission
when I have grown a foot or two. (Except...not really, because I haven't grown in years. So, that would never happen.)

This morning a historical event happened. President Thomas S. Monson made a beautiful declaration.
"I am pleased to announce that effective immediately, all worthy, able young men who have graduated from high school (or it's equivalent) regardless of where they live, will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18 instead of age 19... As we prayerfully pondered the age at which young men may begin their missionary service, we have also given consideration to the age at which young women might serve. Today I am pleased to announce that able, worthy young women who have the desire to serve, may be recommended fro missionary service beginning at age 19 instead of age 21."

My life has literally changed. 
Let's be honest--both my mom and I started crying. We both knew. I can go on a mission in one year. Everything fits. "It's like everything is working out so perfectly." I have had so many questions about so many things...prior to conference I said a very short and to the point prayer...and so many of my answers came within two minutes of General Conference. 
I can hardly believe it and my excitement really has no words.  
Yet, the devil works fast. 
He sure did try to attack all of that resolve. Because "he can't [me] going on a mission now can he?"
He won't succeed though. Like I said, too many answers have come from the revelation. My dad was talking to me though. Earlier it had been my sister that had said so many things counteracting the Spirit and my determination to go on a mission if the Lord said yes. Seeing as she has left the church, or become inactive anyway, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised. His point was that maybe under the certain circumstances, the Lord was trying to give me my first missionary experience. 
"I just don't see how I could ever make a difference for her."
"But it doesn't matter what you see. It matters what the Lord sees."
"I guess I've just been treated for so long like I'm the baby 
and I don't know anything because everyone else is older and wiser."
"You don't see what a great position you're in. The Lord has said,
 "and a little child shall lead them". 
The Lord has been on your side all along. You just need to accept it."

I certainly had never thought of it that way. I love my dad. I'm a bit scared, I'll be honest. I know it will work out, though.
I do love the enthusiasm of the youth. Facebook is covered in declarations of people who are going to go on missions now. 
It's perfect. Not just for me. In general. I love the inspiration of the Lord. 


Thursday, September 13, 2012

Best Friend Songs

I've recently come to the discovery that best friend songs are much more common than you would think. They just tend to be disguised as love songs.

Two of my favorite?

I have no idea who Keri is by the way...but sure, happy birthday.  

I set out on a narrow way many years ago, 
hoping I would find true love along the broken road. 
But, I got lost a time or two...wiped my brow, and kept pushin' through.
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you. 
Every long lost dream, 
led me to where you are.
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars pointing me on my way,
into your loving arms. 
This much I know is true--that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you. 
I think about the years I spent just passin' through.
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you.
But, you just smile and take my hand;
You've been there, you understand.
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

This much I know is true--that God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you. 

I know the lyrics are on the screen...but I don't care. I'm typing them out for emphasis. Deal with it. 

When I look into your eyes,
it's like watching the night sky...or a beautiful sunrise.
There's so much they hold.
And just like them old stars,
I see that you've come so far to be right where you are.
How old is your soul?
I won't give up on us--even if the skies get rough.
I'm giving you all my love,
I'm still looking up.
And when you're needing your space
to do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting to see what they find.  
'Cause even the stars, they burn.
Some even fall to the earth.
We got a lot to learn;
God knows we're worth it.
No, I won't give up.

I don't want to be someone who walks away so easily,
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make.
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got...
Yeah, we got a lot at stake. 
And in the end, you're still my friend,
At least we did intend for us to work. 
We didn't break, we didn't burn.
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in.
I had to learn what I got and what I'm not and who I am. 

I won't give up on us,
God knows I'm tough.
He knows we got a lot to learn...
God knows we're worth it. 

I realize that having these songs described as "best friend" songs truly might sound peculiar. Yeah, I am a weirdo, but it's also a best friend thing. Sometimes lyrics were molded for purposes they  never imagined. This is one of those cases, because they are simply perfect. No, these songs don't necessarily fit every best friendship...and they're not supposed to. They fit mine though. I could not have asked for a better best friend. She is truly one of the most phenomenal people in the whole world and I'm so lucky to have her in my life. "It's incredible that someone so unforgettable could think that I am unforgettable, too." 

Saturday, August 25, 2012

It's okay.

To cry.

Sometimes that's exactly what you need 
in order to realize how you truly feel.
How much you truly feel. 
Because you can't do a whole lot until you know that.

Don't Say Goodbye

Things are chaning, it seems strange and I need to figure this out.
You've got your life, I've got mine, but you're all I cared about.

Yesterday we were laughin' I'm left here asking where has all the time gone now? I'm left alone somehow. Growin' up and gettin' older, I don't want to believe it's over.

Don't say goodbye...

Do you we swore we'd never change?

I wish we could be laughin'.

It hurts, but I'm giving you my word--
I hope that you're always happy like we were.

Ah. Sometimes the words we wish we could say aren't meant to be said. Sometimes you just have to let things go. Just because it's the way life is. You don't always get to say what you feel is so important to say. I guess it's not always as important as we feel.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Heaven Helped Me

The Lord does what He wants.
It continuously amazes me. But, that is exactly what happens. This summer, I had hardly a moment to learn my choreography for the Fall Season before Guard Camp. The moments I did have may have been misspent, but to be honest, I'm not sure if I would really say that. To an outsider looking in, it might look that way, but it's different on the inside. Well,  I started to get really really worried while I was at EFY, because I was scared. Honest to goodness scared. I didn't want to go home and actually face life and what it held for me. That's when the Lord led me to all kinds of scriptures that focused on having more faith. I quickly began to understand the Lord as He basically made a deal with me. He could do whatever needed to be done if I simply exercised the faith and asked. There was a large part that didn't feel I deserved His help and so I didn't even want to ask for it. As He comforted me with that, He seemed to tell me as well that He would be willing to help me, assist me, and make me capable of these things that needed to happen if I made sure people knew it was not me. It was purely the Lord's strength and wisdom. I knew right then that anything I accomplished the coming week would not be of my own capacity, but my Heavenly Father's. 
When I got home, I asked my dad if he would be willing to give me a Father's blessing. He gladly consented and once again affirmed my testimony of the Priesthood. It was one the most beautiful and perfect blessings I could ask for. I knew right off that they were not the words of my Dad, but my Father in Heaven. I knew it would be okay. Somehow.
I showed up Monday to Guard Camp, completely unprepared. I tried to wake up early and learn my choreography--but I only got so far. Yet, somehow, the day finished, and all was just fine. And... the days continued. Of course there were rough patches; things weren't perfect, because they didn't need to be. All of a sudden, it was Friday. I was there, first group, standing ready to pass off. 
Resume, Hut.
Production Feature.
Percussion Feature.
And it was over. I had finished. Never perfect--but so much better than I would have expected. 
I looked back on my week at all the stress and fear that tried to fight away my faith. It got close a few times, but I kept praying. 
When the day was done I had made both dance lines, and had a full spot.
No, nothing is secure...but I had made it that far. 
It became so clear how unable I was to do what I had done. I looked at each day, and looked at the choreography I picked up, remembered, and performed. I don't learn fast. At all. Yet somehow, I had learned these three songs without much of a problem. Because it was no longer me. It was not my strength. Not my memory. 
And I stand all amazed. I don't know why the Lord wanted to bless me, but He did. Maybe it's because He sees in me a willingness to change, but I need certain opportunities. Maybe it's for reasons of His own. Maybe it was just to show me what faith can do.

(Also, fun fact: I accidentally left my CD player running Sunday night and this song was playing when I woke up. Coincidence? I think not.)

Everybody falls sometimes,
Gotta find the strength to rise from the ashes and made a new beginning.
Anyone can feel the ache--
You think it's more than you can take...
But you're stronger. Stronger than you know.
Don't you give up now, the sun will soon be shining. 
You gotta face the clouds to find the silver lining. 

I've seen dreams that move the mountains,
Hope that doesn't ever end, even when the sky is falling.
I've seen miracles just happen,
Silent prayers get answered,
Broken hearts become brand new...
That's what faith can do.

It doesn't matter what you've heard,
"Impossible" is not a word; it's just a reason for someone not to try.
Everybody's scared to death when they decide to take that step out on the water, but it'll be alright.

Life is so much more than what your eyes are seeing.
You will find your way if you keep believing.

Overcome the odds when you don't have a chance.
 (that's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't, it'll tell you that you can.

Even if you fall sometimes, you will have the strength to rise.

 "With men it is impossible, but not with God; for, with God all things are possible." -Mark 10:27

"Two men can do anything as long as one of them is the Lord."

I just want to testify that that is true. I've felt it many times; this week, stronger than ever. And I am so grateful for that. 

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Two Seconds

I can't lie, I'm super blessed and it's been incredible to see that for the past few weeks. For the most part, I've been super happy as well.
But for two seconds, I need to vent feelings. Or just...feeling.

Mostly I'm just sick of guys being my friend and caring about me because they "like" me. It's incredibly annoying. Which is an understatement if there ever was one. It hurts. Because here's what happens--they come into my life, become my friend and I begin to care about them. They care about me for the above reason, and then when they get over their little crush or whatever you'd call it, they stop. It's that fast for them. And I'm stuck missing someone I began to get attached to and genuinely care for. I care about my friends. A lot. Maybe I'm not always good at showing it, but it's true and it's there and it's real. So, if you're going to make me care about you, at least don't give me any delusions about if you care in return. It's fine if you don't. But, don't make me think that you do and then rip it away. I'll tolerate it. It's happened. So I deal with it. I don't know how many other people will, though.

On the other hand, thank you to those phenomenal people who are the best friends anyone could ask for. I have amazing support in my life and I don't want to let it go...
I honestly am having such a hard time grasping reality. I don't want these people, people who have been nothing but good to me and helped me with--life. I don't want them to leave. And they are...and I'm scared all the talk of staying in touch will all be just talk. We have it so easy; all the technology you could ask for. Yet, it's just like the gospel...sometimes it's so easy, that it's just as easy not to do it. It's just as easy to forget. To get caught up in life. Time will tell. Life will continue. Hopefully I just don't have to let go quite yet.

"If you love something, let it go; if it comes back to you, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be." 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Words You'll Never Read.

Sunset paints the clouds;
A labyrinth of branches silhouette the sky. 
The world still spins,
Each day still starts out new. 

Moments won't freeze,
They can't rewind nor skip ahead.
Simply play on--
Don't miss you cue. 

The torturous moment we pretend not to feel
that tearing of friendships we refuse to let heal. 
What can I do?
I've tried so many times to fix this...

I can't wait.
There comes a time to move on. 
This one is mine. 
But for your sake, hear me out one last time.

I hope you don't hold on to sinking, angering feelings. 
Don't let them hold you back. 
Keep you from moving on. 
It's not worth it. 
You deserve to have what's best for you.
To let a smile wrinkle your face.
To have laughter be the cause of your fatigue. 
Joyous moments to be the defining descriptions of your days. 
And the uplifting to line the pages of your memories. 

Let life give to you all that it has to offer. 
Take it.
Accept it. 
Cherish the moments--all of them. 
Don't let them become tainted by poor recallings of the past. 

Early Morning

I have not been awake in the early morning because I am a wonderful person and wake up early. It's a bit more complicated than simply staying up late as well. But all you need to know is that I have been awake there, in the early hours of the morning.
I wish I could explain the peace. The beauty. It's a small taste of heaven for me. As ironic as it is, with the light I need from Christ, physical darkness is one of the most wonderful places for me. Sometimes the daylight provides too much to see. Too much to distract. The difference with the light we have and the light Christ's gives, is the light of Christ is focused. It helps us understand our path, see a little bit ahead, and  the logic behind the things that surround us. But the light in this world is so vast. So bright. Disguised as something that would lead us wherever we want to go, it blinds us so we stumble and fall into the snare of a Liar. It is quite quickly that we become disoriented and confused and forget our purpose.
The light from Christ is by no means dim. But it lights our way from within us rather than coming at us.
When I sit there in the dark, preferably outside with the wind wrapping around me, it's like the light becomes clear. The light from within. And that's all I need. All I want. I could sit there forever because it's those moments when I feel closest. Feel most like I can listen. My phone isn't buzzing, and my computer is off. My music is silent and I am free. My mind can focus. My heart prays. And the Lord and I can just converse.

Also...have this. It's only beautiful.

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation.
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination.
Silently the senses abandon their defenses...
Slowly, gently, night unfurls it's splendor.
Grasp it. Sense it.
Tremulous and tender.
Turn your face away from the garish light of day.
Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light. 
And listen to the music of the night.

Close your eyes...let your spirit start to soar.
And you'll live as you've never lived before. 

Softly, deftly music shall surround you.
Hear it--feel it closing in around you.
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight. 

Let your soul take you where you long to be. 

Saturday, March 17, 2012

For a Second

Noooow that I have had a chance to sleep or 12 hours after what felt like some of longest and shortest weeks of...ever, I feel a little bit better. Even though it's not technically over yet and really can't relax quiiite yet, I just wanted to write about some things I enjoy. (In no particular you will soon see.)

1. Eating Ice Cream with a fork.
2. Spontaneous outings. 
3. Surprises--preferably positive.. But real surprises. Not the surprises you know are coming without knowing the details. 
4. My MOTHER. She is phenomenal. I just don't even know what I would do with out her. 
5. Music. I would die without it.
6. Jamba Juice.
7. Random conversations with teachers. 
8. CABARET. Holy heavens. No words...I just love.
9. Inspiration.
10. The scriptures.
11. The General Authorities.
12. My Gospel Library app :)
13. The fact that I even am capable of having an phone. 
14. Comfort. 
15. Being able to laugh when situations are too serious.
16. Dancing.
17. Random texts from people you haven't talked to since...well, you can't remember. 
18. Getting 101/100 on something you thought would fail. 
19. Banana Bread. 
20. Cinnamon toast.
21. Waffles! 
22. Cupcakes.
23. Dance Parties in the driveway.
24. Remember funny stories from when you were little.
25. Really fantastic lip gloss. Heck yes.
26. Glitter!!!
27. People that can always make you laugh :)
28. IHOP at 3:00 in the morning. 
29. Sarcasm
30. People that understand my humor. aha :)
31. When people are dead honest with me. 
32. Cookies.
33. Making cookies.
34. Making people smile---nothing tops that.
35. When random people tell me I'd make a "shrink." Thanks man, thanks. 
36. When people end up thanking you for turning them down. Alrighty then!
37. Word nerds. And word love. ahhhhhhh <3 yes, I did just use the heart sign. 
38. Supportive people.
39. Waking up with a swollen eye--that doesn't hurt!!! Hollah! 
40. Roller coasters. Heck to the freakin yes.
41. Disneyland.
42. Colorful lollipops.
43. Cute engagement stories. and couples. 
44. Rings. 
42. Happy memories.
43. When your perspective changes and bad memories become happy ones.
44. Finding out people don't hate you. 
45. Understanding why things happen(ed). 
46. Laughing attacks--although I do feel bad for the people I annoy by them.
47. Making videos.
48. Walks.
49. The mountains.
50. Dirt paths.
51. Exploring.
52. Nature.
53. Sunsets.
54. The beach.
55. The ocean.
56. Peace and serenity.
57. Hawaii.
58. Being up high.
59. RAIN. But, you already knew that....
60. Nighttime snowfall. 
61. Standing outside during a snowstorm. (and rainstorm...but that's a whole other realm you already know about.)
62. Communicating without words--not ASL, but our own made up gestures. 
63. Cupcake Chic.
64. Cocoa Bean.
65. Will's Pit Stop hot chocolate.
66. Being asked to dance.
67. Being asked to dance without music--and then having someone provide music.
68. When someone asks to "cut in" to dance with me.
69. Summer nights.
70. Nights that feel like summer nights when they're not.
71. The feeling outside right before a storm.
72. City Lights.
73. Weddings.
74. Dressing up.
75. Knowing what you're doing is good.
76. Colorguard. I just...oh man. No words. Again. Just pure love.
77. Cleaning. Yes, true facts. Just--when I'm not forced. But I do actually really love cleaning. 
78. Running. Now... I used to hate it. But now, I actually quite enjoy it. Doesn't mean I do it though. 
79. People that can sing.
80. People that can legitimately write their own songs.
81. The piano.
82. The guitar. 
83. Boys that can sing... :) 
84. Cute stories.
85. Seeing people be happy.
86. Watching people change for the better.
87. The crazy ways the Lord works things out.
88. Being okay with imperfection. 
89. Studying--when I want to.
90. Going into a test and feeling like you will do so well, because you know the material. 
91. Understanding teachers. They're the greatest.
92. Random compliments that just make your entire day.
93. Meeting new people. 
94. Sleeping. Sorry, but it's true.
95. Turning off my phone. 
96. Girls Camp.
97. Ward Youth Conference. 
98. My birthday.
99. Finding the perfect present for someone. 
100. Knowing you're loved. Not necessarily even knowing why people are crazy enough to love you; just knowing that they do. 
101. Coconut. 
102. Saddleback brownies. 
103. Remembering how you met people. 
104. Realizing how far you've come.
105. Reuniting old friends.
106. Broken clocks. Especially my broken pocket watch necklace. 
107. Spinning.
108. Cartwheels in the street.
109. Laying in the street. 
110. The slug bug game.
111. The license plate game. 
112. Being picked up during a hug. 
113. Tunnel Singing. 
114. Bracelets that mean something.
115. High heels. Hey--it's true. 
116. Early morning.
117. Taco Soup.
118. Cafe Rio.
119. Zupas!!!
120. Tacos.
121. Homemade tortillas. 
122. Homemade chili. 
123. Laughing till you cry--I guess that goes along with laughing attacks...
124. People who aren't afraid to be themselves. 
125. The temple.
126. Panda Bears.
127. Flowers.
128. Singing--I love listening to others sing...but I love singing, too. Just thowin that out there.
129. Homework assignments I enjoy.
130. Helping random people you don't know. :)
131. My best friend. I don't know how she puts up with me. Poor girl. But, she does. And I love her to death. 

I should stop now. In fact, I'm impressed if you kept reading. Way to go, champ :)
awww now I wanna write more. (Okay real fast--people that act like Gollum/Yoda/Dobby, Yearbook, and, jsut..people. Also, fantastic coaches that rock. Okay  done.) Okay anyway, this was actually just a lesson to me. It's amazing the things you're grateful for. Sometimes you don't realize just how much you love about life until you write it all down. When I started this list, I made it to...oh, fifteenish. But, I kept writing. And things kept coming. And they still are! I just... oh. I love it. I love people. I love life. Even if life is hard and sometimes convinces me that I hate people...I love it. I'm glad I get the privilege of being alive.  

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Mysterious Ways

A bishops interview. 
A breakdown after a test.
A homework assignment.
A friend who left.
A lack of practice space.
A someone you once knew. 
A win.
A morning at the temple.
A broken necessity.
A loss. 
A friend.
A blog. 
A calling.
A blessing. 

And the list goes on. And on. And on. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Everything He does, He does for us.
Some of those things are obvious life boosters. Yet some... I never would have expected to be such a critical prerequisites to blessings. 

I don't feel quite ready to face life. No lie. But, I've made it through the past two weeks alive. What can one more be? 

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.

Sometimes all I really can do is breathe, let the moment pass and continue onward. 
I really have no idea how I made it here to this Sunday, March 11, 2012. It does not feel possible. Yet, here I sit. Still breathing. 

Saturday, March 3, 2012

You don't hate me. 
I almost wish you did.
It'd be easier that way. 
But, you don't.

You just don't care.

The opposite of love isn't hate, it's indifference. 

Yet I can't bring myself to stop caring about you. I do hope you are happy. You seem to be. So, either you're a really good actor, or you aren't acting. So, that's good. 

Friday, February 24, 2012

"You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don't already see them.

"When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want, but not what you need.
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep.
Stuck in reverse.
And the tears come streaming down your face when you lose something you can't replace."

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Men's Hearts Shall Fail Them

"Men's hearts are failing--and that includes women--because they forget their identity and their purpose."

"Be patient with yourself. Perfection comes not in this life, but in the next life.
                         Don't demand things that are unreasonable, but demand of yourself improvement."

"As you let the Lord help you through that, He will make the difference."

--Elder Russel M. Nelson

Friday, February 10, 2012


I hate people.
I really do. 
I also love them.

Especially the ones that seem to pop out of no where and completely turn around your awful attitude and forget all the stupid people that make you feel worth nothing. The ones that simply seem to make you smile. And laugh. In the most genuine way. 

Yupp. I like those people. A whole bunch.

But, most of the time, they have no idea what they've done for me. 

Thursday, February 9, 2012

Sometimes people do things for you without realizing what they're doing.

Some days feel alone
                            on your own
                                           like a rolling stone.
A perfect waste of a perfect day.
Some days feel like chores,
                           you get more than you bargained for.
(A heavy plate for one to undertake.)

I hate to say "I told you so," but I just thought I'd let you know...
Some days, they taste like lemonade.
Some days, they feel like razor blades.
(I wish I could float away some days.)      
Some days smell like Spring,
                                     birds, they sing,
                                                Jasmines blossoming. 
Everything, oh, it's everything. 
Sometimes things can seem evergreen
                                                  like a T.V. screen.
                                    "Reality" is reality.

I hate to say "I told you so," but I just thought I'd let you know...

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

"I'm never gonna catch my breath,
               Say 'Goodbye' to those who knew me..."
Ooooh Mulan. 

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Social Norms

Every once in a while I break social norms.
That's just 'cause I'm a freak of nature though. 
However, there happened to be a special occasion; my psychology student teacher devised an assignment to do just that. After a lot of suggestions I decided on one. 

Scene: Cold Stone; my older sister, her daughter, myself, and my mother

In front of a group of friends, I followed behind my sister as she placed her orders. 
worker: What would you like?
me: Just one scoop of strawberry cheesecake.
worker gets a large scoop, makes the ice cream dance, tosses it high into the air and gracefully catches it in a "like it" size cup. 
me: uh...shifts uncomfortably can I...? looks towards my mom, then back at the worker
       Can I just get it in my hand...?
worker: bewildered; gestures the cup towards me
me: Yeah, no, I just want it in my hand..I'm sorry, it's just, I don't know where your cups have been, and I just really want it in my hand. 
worker: Oh, you just want me to make you another one? 
me: Yeah, if that's okay. I'm sorry.
worker gets another scoop, and hesitantly offers it to my hand. As it drops, I smile appreciatively. 
me: thank you. 

And just like that, I walked off towards the cash register, ice cream in hand. 
The guy ringing us up angled his face towards my sister, but kept eyeing me as if trying to understand something. 
I don't know why. 

My sister finally  made me put in an extra cup she'd managed to get when converting the holder of my niece's ice cream to a cone. Probably a good thing though, considering I had succeeded in making a mess of melted ice cream as it dripped from my hand to the floor, leaving a Hansel and Grettle trail to our table---which was also covered in the delicious ice cream. Oh, and also because somewhere through the course of that experiment, my hand had frozen. I mean, literally frozen. The places exposed to the ice cream were totally white. I now am experiencing the joy of freezer burn. 
I must say, I never truly appreciated how many nerve endings were in the tips of my fingers and just how sensitive they were until they were mildly damaged. 

Monday, January 30, 2012


"Life is awesome. I don't understand it in the least. In has recently decided to put my life in a blender just to shake things up and make it more interesting. All I know is the end result ends up teaching me life is really made out of fruit and it just wanted to make smoothie. That's why all those things got so mixed up. And after being patient, you get to taste of the magically delicious life smoothie."

...I'm so weird.
Sometimes I re-read past thins I have said and I just get concerned. Oooh my. 

I suppose the point of that was just to make sure no one forgets that in reality--life is made out of fruit. 

Saturday, January 28, 2012


Sometimes my mother is quiiite the genuis. 
(okay, that's a lie, she always is.)
Have you ever had anyone say somethings that was so ridiculously obvious you just wanted to plant your face in your palms, pull away, and repeat? Yeah. That happened. 

"All that I know is I don't know how to be something you miss."
*there are plenty more lyrics in there that I relate to way too much, but this is the one that just...hits something.* 

Well, the funny thing about mothers is they know everything (sometimes). ;) 
But really. 
As I talked to my mom about it, she made something clear to me without realizing it. We all know (or should know) that I'm dramatic to the max. And my  mom told me that I needed to stop approaching everything that way. Instead of approaching everything so solemn and seriously, be upbeat. It's not an "I don't care" or an "I'm immature" attitude. It's an "I have accepted things as they are and now all I can do is make the best out this situation. I hope you'll join me" attitude. Don't bring people down. Lift people up. That's how you be something to miss. No one misses drama. 
And you know what? Sometimes things still won't turn out. There comes a time to accept that. Things simply won't always turn out the way you want it to. It'd be nice--but not really. Where would the growth be? 

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Careful who you point your finger at...

"My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances--they all become disabilities when I do not trust them in God's care." 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Coincidence? I think not.

The Lord's resources are endless. 


There is hope until you give up.

A friend's blog:
"We all need that security that some one will be there, especially when times are the roughest. Especially when you realize that there are some things you really can't run away from, no matter how far or hard you run. Or when you realize that not caring wouldn't solve any of your problems either."

There have been other things, it's just that those occurred all within 2 minutes of each other. 
Yeah, the Lord might be trying to tell me something; just don't even worry about it. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Not that bad.

Sometimes awful days in which I find myself playing terrifyingly close to the edge of a jagged cliffs where one wrong step will pull me over and summon all the earth to suck me towards the sharp sides and distant ground which desires to slap me harder than necessary...sometimes those days make me ditch everyone. Instead of dealing with the pressing people pushing me in all directions without a care, I leave. Why should I stick around? Screw that plan. Too many things everywhere make me want to simply stop trying so hard to stand. Yet I somehow make it to the car. Home? No. So, where? I don't care. Up. Up so I can see the world. Stare at the beauty. Be alone with my God. Being alone never felt so good, because I'm not alone. I'm with the only one anywhere I want to be with. 
Priorities come too quickly. The time reminds me of my obligations. Stick it out, it's only an hour and half. You had better believe I was out of formation and getting my shoes on the second the signal was given we were free to leave. But then my coach had to come over and be the caring guy he is which makes it extremely difficult to force my tears to stay hidden. 

Finally I was free. 

And somehow I ended up with the one person who has no idea what was going on--and didn't have to. Either way they would cheer me up and make me forget about everything. That's exactly what they did. It took hardly any time at all before I was smiling again. After that I was laughing easy and before I wanted it to, my home summoned me back.
But at least it was raining as I left. That always makes life better. 
Have you ever just felt so comfortable in a place you never imagined would be a haven to you? 
I have. 

Enjoy that. Because it's freakin' sweet. 

This is definitely the music I was entertained with today. 
All I'm going to say (besides the fact that I love the music--a whole bunch) is that I find the name highly ironic and appropriate to my day. I think I might post more links to that music though, because I'm a big fan.