Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Two Seconds

I can't lie, I'm super blessed and it's been incredible to see that for the past few weeks. For the most part, I've been super happy as well.
But for two seconds, I need to vent feelings. Or just...feeling.

Mostly I'm just sick of guys being my friend and caring about me because they "like" me. It's incredibly annoying. Which is an understatement if there ever was one. It hurts. Because here's what happens--they come into my life, become my friend and I begin to care about them. They care about me for the above reason, and then when they get over their little crush or whatever you'd call it, they stop. It's that fast for them. And I'm stuck missing someone I began to get attached to and genuinely care for. I care about my friends. A lot. Maybe I'm not always good at showing it, but it's true and it's there and it's real. So, if you're going to make me care about you, at least don't give me any delusions about if you care in return. It's fine if you don't. But, don't make me think that you do and then rip it away. I'll tolerate it. It's happened. So I deal with it. I don't know how many other people will, though.

On the other hand, thank you to those phenomenal people who are the best friends anyone could ask for. I have amazing support in my life and I don't want to let it go...
I honestly am having such a hard time grasping reality. I don't want these people, people who have been nothing but good to me and helped me with--life. I don't want them to leave. And they are...and I'm scared all the talk of staying in touch will all be just talk. We have it so easy; all the technology you could ask for. Yet, it's just like the gospel...sometimes it's so easy, that it's just as easy not to do it. It's just as easy to forget. To get caught up in life. Time will tell. Life will continue. Hopefully I just don't have to let go quite yet.

"If you love something, let it go; if it comes back to you, it's yours. If not, it was never meant to be." 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Words You'll Never Read.

Sunset paints the clouds;
A labyrinth of branches silhouette the sky. 
The world still spins,
Each day still starts out new. 

Moments won't freeze,
They can't rewind nor skip ahead.
Simply play on--
Don't miss you cue. 

The torturous moment we pretend not to feel
that tearing of friendships we refuse to let heal. 
What can I do?
I've tried so many times to fix this...

I can't wait.
There comes a time to move on. 
This one is mine. 
But for your sake, hear me out one last time.

I hope you don't hold on to sinking, angering feelings. 
Don't let them hold you back. 
Keep you from moving on. 
It's not worth it. 
You deserve to have what's best for you.
To let a smile wrinkle your face.
To have laughter be the cause of your fatigue. 
Joyous moments to be the defining descriptions of your days. 
And the uplifting to line the pages of your memories. 

Let life give to you all that it has to offer. 
Take it.
Accept it. 
Cherish the moments--all of them. 
Don't let them become tainted by poor recallings of the past. 

Early Morning

I have not been awake in the early morning because I am a wonderful person and wake up early. It's a bit more complicated than simply staying up late as well. But all you need to know is that I have been awake there, in the early hours of the morning.
I wish I could explain the peace. The beauty. It's a small taste of heaven for me. As ironic as it is, with the light I need from Christ, physical darkness is one of the most wonderful places for me. Sometimes the daylight provides too much to see. Too much to distract. The difference with the light we have and the light Christ's gives, is the light of Christ is focused. It helps us understand our path, see a little bit ahead, and  the logic behind the things that surround us. But the light in this world is so vast. So bright. Disguised as something that would lead us wherever we want to go, it blinds us so we stumble and fall into the snare of a Liar. It is quite quickly that we become disoriented and confused and forget our purpose.
The light from Christ is by no means dim. But it lights our way from within us rather than coming at us.
When I sit there in the dark, preferably outside with the wind wrapping around me, it's like the light becomes clear. The light from within. And that's all I need. All I want. I could sit there forever because it's those moments when I feel closest. Feel most like I can listen. My phone isn't buzzing, and my computer is off. My music is silent and I am free. My mind can focus. My heart prays. And the Lord and I can just converse.

Also...have this. It's only beautiful.

Nighttime sharpens, heightens each sensation.
Darkness stirs and wakes imagination.
Silently the senses abandon their defenses...
Slowly, gently, night unfurls it's splendor.
Grasp it. Sense it.
Tremulous and tender.
Turn your face away from the garish light of day.
Turn your thoughts away from cold, unfeeling light. 
And listen to the music of the night.

Close your eyes...let your spirit start to soar.
And you'll live as you've never lived before. 

Softly, deftly music shall surround you.
Hear it--feel it closing in around you.
Open up your mind, let your fantasies unwind
in this darkness which you know you cannot fight. 

Let your soul take you where you long to be.