Thursday, November 22, 2012

Sorry I'm Not Perfect.

I'm an awful person. 
It's fine. I've come to accept it. 

You know those things called "Family Vacations"? Yeah. That's an oxymoron for me. If it's family, it's not a vacation. If it's a vacation--it's not full of my family. 
I've been the joke of the family for--ever. Yupp. What else is the last child for? Save to ridicule and mercilessly tease them?
So what happens when it doesn't sound like a joke anymore? What then? What if it's been going on so long that your nieces and nephews have heard and followed the lead on that? And now, not only your entire family but the children as well, just mock you. 

"We're going to the park, are you coming?"
"Actually, I'm not sure."
"Well, you might not want to. You're probably busy texting on your phone." 

Excuse me?
You're what, 11? and I'm 18. Let's talk about how you don't know anything about me or my life or my reasons. Let's talk about how I'm your aunt. Let's talk about how you should show a little bit more respect. Let's talk about how I'm sick of it. Sick of the attitude and the judgmental, condescending, comments. Jokes. I'm the awkward 18-year-old. Too young to fit in with my actual siblings. Too old to fit in with the nieces and nephews. The one who just doesn't have a place in her own family.

I'm sick of feeling like my family is the place I should feel safe, and it's the place I feel most vulnerable and attacked. Most like I'm a failure. Most like I should be everything I'm not, because I'm nothing like them. 
I don't want to feel like that. I want to feel like they love me despite my difference. Like they give a crap about my feelings.
But they don't. I can just suck it up. 

Or, maybe I'll let them judge me. I'll close myself off, and I'll avoid them for the most part and they'll say what they say. They'll get offended. They'll make snide remarks. Because that's what they do best. But they'll never ask. Never will they actually consider inquiring as to why I don't come out. Why I had or escape from them.

"Behold, you have had many afflictions because of your family; 
nevertheless, I will bless you and your family, yea, your little ones; 
and the day cometh that they will believe and know the truth
 and be one with you in my church."
--Doctrine and Covenants 31:2
I will actually try to face the music. I just don't want to right now. 

Happy Thanksgiving though. There is certainly a lot to be grateful for--in spite of the hard things in life. If you can't think of anything, just take a look outside. For me, I enjoy the sky. It's quite incredible at all moments.