This is How I Feel.

Excuse the language...but these are essentially my feelings. So that's fine.

Pathetic Complaints

I have some issues. And I know they're completely ridiculous. But I need them out of my system.

There's this thing called 2nd place. My brother calls it the first loser. I agree with him.

Can I just say...I'm so sick...of coming in 2nd.
It's my place though, apparently. I can't seem to shake it off. But.. that's okay. Because it doesn't matter.
Except, I'm a believer in accepting your feelings and then letting them go. So for five seconds, I'm going to admit once again how much it kills me to feel like I'm ALWAYS one step behind the rest; just barely off the mark...not quite there yet. It makes me sick inside to hear how close I was--but I didn't make it. Better luck next time...here, let me pat you on the back. "A"for effort. I don't want that. I want success. I want to know what real success feels like. And I fear I never will. I'll never make it. I want it so much I could start crying right now. But I won't. I'm stronger than that. I'm only stronger than that because I know my feelings aren't true. They're misconceptions and I am as good as I need to be. There's no real placements in the world. I'm enough. I will always be enough. I just need to stop comparing myself to other people.

"God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect. Let me add: He is also fully aware that the people you think are perfect are not. And yet we spend so much time comparing ourselves to others--usually comparing our weaknesses to their strengths. This drives us to create expectations for ourselves that are impossible to meet. As a result, we never celebrate our good efforts because they seem to be less than what someone else does." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

Now, for you musical education...have some Daughter. 

Untitled

I've decided a couple of things between starting this post and now: One of those things is that trying to title writing before writing it...is like trying to tell God how the story is supposed to end. When I write, it rarely ends the way I thought it would. It reminds me of a research paper I wrote last year. One of the things I realized while writing it, is that when you first start research, you can't know where you're going to end up--if you knew, why are you researching? Why are you assuming you already know enough to develop a position on the subject? So isn't that kind of what we do in life? Research it? 

Recently, I've begun trying to stop deciding how things are supposed to go. Guess what, they never go as you think they are "supposed" to anyhow. So why try and tell Life how it's going to pan out? Why not let Life tell you how its going to work through things with you? I've found that, generally, when you go along with Life..Life is nicer to you. It's hard though. 

I'm scared, too. Change is always scary. I've never been one to really oppose change, but I've discovered why it terrifies us--at least me. See, I watched a Ted Talk the other day "On Being Wrong." (Go watch it.)

I'm terrified of being wrong. I'm scared of falling short and not being good enough for people. I fear that making mistakes will disqualify me from receiving love. The reason this ties in to change is that...change provides a new situation. Just by the virtue of being new, we have never experienced it and therefore are never fully sure of how to leap into the arms of this difference. What if we do it wrong? What if we make a mistake? Of course, everyone makes mistakes...but THIS mistake, made by ME, that is not okay. It's unacceptable. 

Yet, as real as this fear is, it makes no logical sense. The people that are not okay with us making mistakes are basically not okay with us being humans---thus leading me to believe that THEY are not human (since they clearly never make mistakes, because if they did, they'd be more understanding) and that leaves aliens as the only alternative answer and therefore, they must be killed. I just don't have time to deal with an alien invasion. Ain't NOBODY got time for that.

*If you kill anyone though...don't blame me...unless of course, you save the human race. In which case, I will gladly take all credit for influencing you. :') I'm so proud! *

I'm trying to learn to be okay with my mistakes. It's taking time. I've gone so long believing that someone is tallying up my mistakes and will one day use them to show me how much I failed. What I've found though, is that I am the only one tallying up my mistakes and I am the one reminding myself how much I've failed--Blinding myself to the success of failure. Failure has taught me more than success ever will. It's taught me what to avoid, how to change, what to change, what to look for, what not to do. It's taught me to relate to people. It's taught me countless things that I never realized the worth of until later. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. She told me that I should be grateful for all the failed friendships I'd had. Truly, those experiences taught me red flags to look out for--things to notice so that I don't get hurt in a way much worse. It's Life's way of teaching us.

On top of that, God doesn't tally up our mistakes. Once we take our failures to him, he helps us change, and gives us the freedom to move on if we will only take the steps to. 

I'm grateful for His mercy. I'm grateful for being wrong. I'm grateful for my failures. Without them, I wouldn't understand even half the things I've come to learn. As scary as the world is, I don't wish to live in ignorance. I want to understand things. I want to learn. So I will do what I can, I'll make mistakes, and I'll be a better person because of them. 

 

     Just have that.

Sunday Talk Thoughts.

I'm going to share some thoughts with you.
I have to give a talk today in church and sometimes I have to just write to even know what I'm thinking.
See, they gave me the simple topic of "The Godhead". Okay, well, what about it? My first reaction was to think about the fact that as a member of the LDS church, our view is different than many Christians around the world. We believe the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are all separate beings that are completely united in purpose. That's critical.
But what else was I supposed to say? I can bear my testimony on that truth, but that takes all of 15 seconds.
Yet, I know there is so much more to it, I just can't put my words on it. Why then? Why is it so critical that we know they are separate beings?
God is all-powerful. He knows everything and can do more than we could ever imagine or really comprehend. He is our Father. So, why then does he need the help of Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost? If He can do everything, what makes him use two others? This model is seen everywhere in the church: A president, first counselor, and a second counselor. Everywhere that we have leaders, this is seen.
It's funny though, I think we generally go into the rest of our secular lives forgetting that. In our fast paced world of competition and trophies, we've gained this belief that we have to do everything. We have fix every problem and heal every wound and perfect every meal, visit every sick and afflicted person we know, be the best at...everything.
It seems that asking for help in this world is seen as weakness and is completely unacceptable.
But even God delegates. And in reality, God is delegating to more than just Jesus Christ and the Spirit. He delegates to us every day, to live in the name of His son, and to serve Him by serving our fellow men. That doesn't mean His work won't continue if we choose not to take those tasks upon us, it simply means you are not assisting the speeding up of His work.
What I love though, is that even God let's others help Him. Even though it is often perceived as weakness in this world to be brought to the realization that we aren't meant to do, and can't do everything on our own...this realization is a Heavenly trait. We are put on this Earth with other people for a reason.

But. Sometimes, we find ourselves physically alone. And, our trials and sufferings are not intended to be helped by those around us. That is why we are not left solely with the company of our fellow men.

We're meant to accept the atoning sacrifice and friendship of our brother, Jesus Christ. We're meant to accept the advice, direction, and comfort of the Holy Ghost. We're meant to turn to God, to talk to God, to let Him be and act as the Father He is.
They DO know what we don't. They see a larger picture than we can. And we need them. 
Appreciate the lyrics to the song "He'll Carry You" by Hilary Weeks

 He knows your heart
He knows your pain
He knows the strength it took just too simply breathe today
He sees the tears that you cry
He knows your soul is aching to know why
He hears your prayers each humble word
When you said you couldn’t face another day he understood
He knows the path that you will find
Though you felt alone he’s never left your side

He knew there’d be moments when no earthly words
Could take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He’ll bring you peace and leave you hope
And in the darkest night he’ll comfort you
Until you know the sun will rise and each new day
You will have the strength to live again

And when there are moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you

He hears you when you’re crying in the night
He hears you when your soul longs to find
Till the morning will come
And the light of the dawn reassures

That in the moments when no earthly words
can take away your sorrow
And no human eyes could see what you’re going through
When you’ve taken your last step and done all that you can do
He will lift your heavy load and carry you 

All three of them work together to carry us through life. To others. Wherever we need to go.