Thursday, August 29, 2013


I've decided a couple of things between starting this post and now: One of those things is that trying to title writing before writing like trying to tell God how the story is supposed to end. When I write, it rarely ends the way I thought it would. It reminds me of a research paper I wrote last year. One of the things I realized while writing it, is that when you first start research, you can't know where you're going to end up--if you knew, why are you researching? Why are you assuming you already know enough to develop a position on the subject? So isn't that kind of what we do in life? Research it? 
Recently, I've begun trying to stop deciding how things are supposed to go. Guess what, they never go as you think they are "supposed" to anyhow. So why try and tell Life how it's going to pan out? Why not let Life tell you how its going to work through things with you? I've found that, generally, when you go along with Life..Life is nicer to you. It's hard though. 

I'm scared, too. Change is always scary. I've never been one to really oppose change, but I've discovered why it terrifies us--at least me. See, I watched a Ted Talk the other day "On Being Wrong." (Go watch it.)
I'm terrified of being wrong. I'm scared of falling short and not being good enough for people. I fear that making mistakes will disqualify me from receiving love. The reason this ties in to change is that...change provides a new situation. Just by the virtue of being new, we have never experienced it and therefore are never fully sure of how to leap into the arms of this difference. What if we do it wrong? What if we make a mistake? Of course, everyone makes mistakes...but THIS mistake, made by ME, that is not okay. It's unacceptable. 
Yet, as real as this fear is, it makes no logical sense. The people that are not okay with us making mistakes are basically not okay with us being humans---thus leading me to believe that THEY are not human (since they clearly never make mistakes, because if they did, they'd be more understanding) and that leaves aliens as the only alternative answer and therefore, they must be killed. I just don't have time to deal with an alien invasion. Ain't NOBODY got time for that.

*If you kill anyone though...don't blame me...unless of course, you save the human race. In which case, I will gladly take all credit for influencing you. :') I'm so proud! *

I'm trying to learn to be okay with my mistakes. It's taking time. I've gone so long believing that someone is tallying up my mistakes and will one day use them to show me how much I failed. What I've found though, is that I am the only one tallying up my mistakes and I am the one reminding myself how much I've failed--Blinding myself to the success of failure. Failure has taught me more than success ever will. It's taught me what to avoid, how to change, what to change, what to look for, what not to do. It's taught me to relate to people. It's taught me countless things that I never realized the worth of until later. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. She told me that I should be grateful for all the failed friendships I'd had. Truly, those experiences taught me red flags to look out for--things to notice so that I don't get hurt in a way much worse. It's Life's way of teaching us.
On top of that, God doesn't tally up our mistakes. Once we take our failures to him, he helps us change, and gives us the freedom to move on if we will only take the steps to. 

I'm grateful for His mercy. I'm grateful for being wrong. I'm grateful for my failures. Without them, I wouldn't understand even half the things I've come to learn. As scary as the world is, I don't wish to live in ignorance. I want to understand things. I want to learn. So I will do what I can, I'll make mistakes, and I'll be a better person because of them. 

     Just have that.