That was not on my To-Do List...

Single most terrifying moment of my life. 


I can't think of another time when I've been more frightened. Ever. 


But I guess now I know one of the few things I'm scared.
                     The people I love leaving me. Being hurt, and not being able to do anything about it. Whether it's because I don't know how or simply just can't.


I don't mean emotional pain, or some kind of trial. I know those are possible to make it through. Those kind of things may take time, but for the most part, they can be overcome (if they choose to do so).. 
Yes, watching someone suffer through those kinds of things is hard; it's even harder when you know they're not making the right decisions. When you know they're only hurting themselves. When you know they are choosing to take the harder path that will only make it that much harder to deal with. Yes, that is awful and painful, and sometimes nerve wracking to witness. But that's not quite what terrifies me. 


Personally, I'm not scared to die. I'm really not. Yes, the thought that I haven't done good enough in this life scares me. No, it does terrifies me. However, I know that I'm trying my best to become better each day, and that God knows that. We both know the things I need to work on. (He knows better than I do, and he continually points it out.) But, I also feel like when I die, it's going to be just fine. Things are taken care of, and I know that as long as I do my best to be the best that I can, God and my Savior will take care of me. 


Here's what terrifies me. 
Whether logical (when put together with what I just said) or not, it does. 
I'm terrified of other people dying. 
            On my watch.
                   With me as a witness.
                        Potentially even my fault.
                              And not being able to do anything about it. 
              My lack of knowledge
                   Or understanding
                        Compromising the life on someone I love. 
                              (Which is *or should be* everyone.)


A hug. Initiated by them. 
"I'm so glad you're here." Sincerely said. 


"You're doing really well.
               at holding it together."
All sent tears to my eyes
         Before I had a chance to protest them. 


Things I never thought to happen
or ever be said...took place. 
Expressions and confusion I never thought I'd witness
...I saw. 
Fear I never imagined to face
Responsibility I never wanted
Composure I didn't have. 


Everything I had to deal with. 


Emotions I was supposed to explain
           and I just couldn't. 


Guess who's not so grown up after all....


All I can do now is thank my lucky stars
                                                                 and everything that was not actually a coincidence
                               That I don't have to be quite that grown up yet. Not really.